Your Love Is Better Than Life

Music has always been my place of refuge when going through tough times. I had certain songs that just spoke to me, they expressed feelings that I was unable to do on my own. Music became my way of calling out to the Lord, surrendering to Him and confessing His truth out loud so that my flesh could once again come into alignment with my soul.
Now, even though I am in a different place in life than I was five years ago...some songs still are able to take me back and REMIND me of how good God is and how faithful He is and was. The other day, I was listening to my favorite radio station, Air One, and a song by Remedy Drive came on. As I listened to the words, it almost brought me to tears. I can't really explain why...just that the words spoke to me, to my past trials of infertility, to the depths of our continual failures of trying to get pregnant and the loss of hope that I found myself in...HOWEVER...at the same time, reminding me that God never left my side through it all, that He not only walked WITH me but, like the "Footprints in the Sand" poem says, He was able to CARRY me through when I was no longer able to move forward.

REMEDY DRIVE ~ BETTER THAN LIFE

Exhausted You sustained me
Was lost but You regained me
It cost so much you made me free

Was broken You repaired me
My hope was thin, You spared me
You spoke lights lit the air for me

Your love saved my life
Your love is keeping me awake tonight

I need You
You keep You keep
My heart beating beating
I need You
You keep You keep
My lungs breathing
Because Your love is better than life
Better than life

You woke my soul within me
You gave me back Your fire to breathe
Your light broke through to rescue me

Your love saved my life

I need You
You keep You keep
My heart beating beating
I need You
You keep You keep
My lungs breathing
Because Your love is better than life
Better than life

You hold the stars in my skies
You put the light in my eyes
Your love keeps me alive
I need You now and You stay
You turned my night into day

I need You
You keep You keep
My heart beating beating
I need You
You keep You keep
My lungs breathing
I need You
You keep You keep
My heart beating beating
I need You
You keep You keep
My lungs breathing
Because Your love is better than life
Better than life

Your love is better than life
Better than life

As I was driving, I just fell in love with the chorus: Your love is better than life!!!!! IT IS!! IT SO IS!!! I cannot comprehend going through my four+ years of infertility without having God on my side...without knowing that I have a God who loves me and can heal me! I specifically remember finally coming to the point where I had lost all faith in the doctors and their treatments and knew that the only way we were going to be able to get pregnant was with a miracle from God...and THANK GOODNESS I knew a God that could make that happen. He was my only hope!!! 

In all honesty, that realization was not a relief...because it was easier to have hope in the doctors than in God...but I knew that God had become the only way for me and so it left me with no choice other than to put my trust and faith in Him. He is the only way!!!

"YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE!!!" His love is so great...it covers ALL things!! I'm so blessed and thankful that, first of all, I made it through my journey of infertility in one piece and stronger as a result. I thankful that I know am able to share with others the good things that God has done in my life! I'm speechless that God trusted me go through that and survive...seriously!! I know that sounds exaggerated, but it is more of an understatement than anything else. God is good! God is great!! HIS LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE!!

THE WAIT POEM

 After our failed IVF, Craig and I wanted to have something in our house that would symbolized our journey through infertility, and more specifically, the loss of our embryo's. When I saw this picture, I immediately fell in love. It is now framed and hanging in our living room. When we first hung it up...it brought tears to my eyes!

Wait
by Russell Kelfer 

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait." 

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word. 

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign. 

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply." 

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?" 

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

What Would It Be Like?

For some reason, for the last week or so...I have had this reoccurring question playing over and over in my head:
"I wonder what it would be like to be able to get pregnant...when you want to get pregnant?"

I find myself becoming jealous of all of my friends who decide to increase their family, and then the next month they make their announcement. I guess I'm just starting to get frustrated...it's that UNKNOWN that is so hard to deal with. I just have to keep reminding myself: If I knew that I would have ended up with Emily at the end of the four years of "hell" that we had to go through...I would, without of a doubt, do it over and over again. I just need to stay strong and believe that God can and WILL do it again for us. Part of me just wishes that "once" was all we needed to go through...but I can appreciate how much stronger it made me.

Hmm...I can't wait to meet the next addition to our family. What does God have in store for us?

To Blog OR Not To Blog...That Is The Question

I have been going back and forth on whether or not to post this...and I have finally come to conclusion of WHY NOT??? The whole reason that I wanted to start blogging was so that I could share my life with others going through the same thing that I am...so that I might bring a little encouragement or so that others would know that they are not alone.

So, here's the thing...Craig and I are going to be attending our first adoption class this weekend.

There...I said it...it's out there for the world to see *deep breaths*. I'll tell you, the only reason that I am so hesitant in sharing is because I fear that history will repeat itself. After going through all that we did in getting Emily...I just don't know that I'm ready for everyones questions, comments, and advice on the subject. I had NO IDEA that trying to get pregnant was going to be such a difficult and long road. If I would have known, then I wouldn't have announced it on the roof tops that we were simply trying to have a baby from the get-go. Lesson learned...the hard way. 

Regardless...one of the MANY difficult things about infertility was the feeling that no one understood...no one knew what I was going through...and since nobody really talks about it, that "alone" feeling was the worst. I felt like there was no one to talk to, REALLY talk to, who could relate and encourage me throughout the process. Yes, I had a few SPECIAL people in my life who I could still open up to...but it was still a sort of one-way street. They were all SUPER good listeners and even encouragers...but no one could really relate and let me know that what I was feeling was normal and OK.

---

So...that is why I'm going for it. I have no idea what the future holds for me regarding adoption, but I do know this...that through our 4 years of trying to conceive, God had opened a place in both Craig and I's heart for adoption.
Recently, I came across this incredibly interesting quote from a blog: The Lighted Path For Woman. Here is what stood out to me:

If only THREE 3% of the world's Christians adopted ONE child ALL adoptable orphans would have a permanent safe home and a forever family.

This blows my mind...and no, I'm not saying you have to be a Christian to adopt, this is just an amazing statistic that is bringing up conversation in the "Wright" household. "Things that make you go HMMMM!!!"
    So, there you have it...more to come this weekend.

The Real Housewives of the O.T. ~ Deborah

Our church (Life Center) devoted a weekend to infertility. The message was on Deborah from the Old Testament. Here are my notes from Pastor's message:

Judges 4:3-10

• When the moment came, the people in Judges spoke words in faith and saw miracles happen. They were people that did heroic things...in the land of promise.
• First God chooses a people, then God gives them a promise. These people are in the right place and the right time, and bad things still happen.
• Everything God promises you, you WILL be opposed!!! The life of promise is not a life of ease. It is a life of battle. The more you become the person you are meant to be...the more opposition you are up against.
• Deborah is more attentive to the promises than to the problem!!!

I want to be like Deborah! I want to keep my eyes on God's promise! I believe that I will be the mother to more than one child, and I don't want to be distracted by all of the disappointment I am surrounded with each and every month. Emily is a daily reminder to me of how NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR MY GOD!!!

The Real Housewives of the O.T. ~ Hannah

This was an amazing message at Life Center from Pastor Eric Boles last week about Hannah. I think he did such a great job with taking Hannah's story and applying it to all areas of life while still having a sensitivity with those struggling with the same hurts as Hannah. This really spoke to me and I hope it speaks to you as well. No matter what you are going through, hold on to your promise from God...it will not return to him void!!! Nothing is impossible for Him...I have to hold on to that, I have no other choice because I know that HE is the only way!!

This Was A Rough Weekend

I was SO positive that this month...WAS THE MONTH!!! You know what I mean..."the month" *wink, wink* Normally, I show absolutely no signs of the end of the cycle coming, nor any signs of pregnancy...which is why I didn't know that I was pregnant with Emily until I was 2 months along (don't forget, I had extremely irregular cycles). Well, this last cycle, out of the blue...my chest was ridiculously sensitive. This was so out of the blue...that it could only mean one thing, right? It made sense to me. The uncomfortableness started right after mid-cycle..and never went away...until...well, good ol' Aunt Flo arrived.

I'm telling you, I was so confident in believing that I was pregnant, I was going to tell my mother!!! We had a "girls" day in Seattle to shop, eat, and see the Broadway production of Mary Poppins. I was so uncomfortable then, I just wanted to shout it from the roof tops: "I THINK I'M PREGNANT!!!" Well, I guess it goes without saying...it's best that I didn't do that. I even bought a home pregnancy test (that's how sure of myself I was)...and wasn't disappointed that it came up negative because Emily's first test, at about 40 days, was negative.

Needless to say, that when Aunt Flo arrived, I was crushed!!! I became broken again, in such a way that it took me back to before Emily was here. I cried a lot that day...that whole weekend actually, and the times that I wasn't crying, I felt as though I could in a heartbeat if I let my guard down for just a second. I hated that feeling so much! I hated it back before Emily, and I especially hate it now!!!

This "secondary infertility" is so different the second time around. I don't have that desperate feeling of despair as much as I had the first time, but I do have this overwhelming feeling of guilt!! Guilt that I am not satisfied with just Emily (which, by the way...if God chooses to only bless me with one child...Emily is by far the greatest gift ever and I would never take that for granted), guilt that I feel like I'm not trusting the Lord as I should...after He has proven himself over and over for me, and guilt that I feel like I am the poster child for infertility at my church...and here I am again, crying at the alter begging God for another gift of a child. Coincidentally, the weekend that Aunt Flo arrived, our church was doing an "Infertility Service". It couldn't have been better timing! I just need to remember God's promises will not return to him void!! I will hold on to that!!!

Crazy Pain

HOLY SMOKES!!!! OK...so do you remember how in my last post I mentioned how the ultrasound showed that my right ovary was at least two times the size of my left ovary and, on top of that, it also contained hemorrhagic cysts as well as multiple follicles.

Today, throughout my day at work, I felt some slight uncomfortableness on the lower right hand side of my abdomen. I didn't think much of it...knowing that things weren't all that great anyways on that "side". Later today, as I held Emily in my arms...rocking her as we sang our routine bedtime songs...I was hit with this amazingly sharp pain in the same place. I accidentally let out a small cry and had to immediately stop singing so I could just hold my breath in hopes of not freaking out Emily anymore. Luckily Craig was there...he kept singing for me, and then was able to take Emily as I sat there crying quietly in horrible pain.

Poor Emily!! She is so empathic to others...right away, she started crying and calling out for "mama". I didn't want to move from the rocking chair until the pain passed...but I felt awful for Emily. I tried to suck it up as I stood up to hold Emily and tried to comfort her, while still crying silently in pain. Craig continued to sing while I swayed with Emily. Eventually I was able to mutter out some of the words of the song that Craig was in the middle of singing. She had finally calmed down, but wanted to be held for a bit longer before being put down.

By the time I put her down in her crib, my pain had subsided. Thank you Lord!!! I had never felt that kind of pain before. It was so sharp and so sudden!!! I'm assuming it was a bursting cyst. I don't know!! I am just glad that it is done!! Have I mentioned that I'm done with Clomid?? Yea...I'm pretty sure this just sealed the deal for me. Hopefully this will be the only ruptured cyst...if that is what it was!!

Some Disappointing News...

Arghh!!!!!
Well, I just had my ultrasound appointment today to monitor the old ovaries while on Clomid...and there was no good news to be told. The technician told me that she found two fibroids on my uterus and some hemorrhagic cysts in my right ovary. When looking at the pictures of my ovaries...the right side was, no joke, 2-3 larger than the left side. What the heck does this all mean?

I always struggle in hearing what the doctor has to say afterwards because I am in a state of shock. I remember her saying, at least I think that I heard her say, that the fibroids can become a cause of infertility. Immediately I could feel my eyes welling up. I kept telling myself, "BE STRONG!!!" "Stay strong Heather!!!" "Think of Emily...You have a beautiful baby girl...Think of Emily!! Meanwhile...at the same time, I'm thinking, "What the heck!?!?!? Seriously...another stumbling block? Another obstacle in my way...on top of everything else we are fighting against in trying to get pregnant? This is one sick joke! You have got to be kidding me!!!"
I know the doctor talked for a lot longer and was probably telling me stuff that I should have been listening to...but it is all just a blur to me. Oh yes, I do remember her saying that she recommended I take at least a month off from the Clomid in order to give my ovaries a break.

So, what now? I called Craig to tell him the good news, and could barely utter out the first words before I became incapable of communicating due to my quivering voice. What makes me so mad at myself is how quick I am to doubt the possibility of having another baby. I have my beautiful daughter sitting in the back seat of the car...and I'm crying because, once again, I have a bad report from the doctors...telling me that I have yet another obstacle. Why can't I stay strong? Why am I so quick to fall back into my old ways of doubt and worry...self pity and jealousy?

When I got home, I did some research on fibroids. It seems to be pretty common, however, the way that it can attribute to infertility is that it can hinder implantation, the risk of miscarriages increases, and depending on where they are located, they can also block fallopian tubes preventing the sperm from reaching the egg. The chances of these being a result of the fibroid is pretty slim...and I need to just remind myself of that because I so easily become that person where it feels like the walls are closing in on me and I am hopeless to stop it.

It's really no big deal...right? 50% of women get fibroids...just not this early in life. In talking with Craig, I kind of feel that I just need to be done with Clomid...for good. I only have one body, and I don't think it is worth it to damage my body if it isn't going to respond well to the medication and if other side effects could be avoided. I already have a hard enough time trying to get pregnant...why make things more difficult?

While researching on fibroids and cysts, I just so happened to come across an adoption website...hmmm. I just remember how good it felt, last time, to begin that process and to actually make progress in moving forward. So...I made a call, and left a message. I'm counting on hearing from them tomorrow.

I Had The Strangest Dream...

I had a dream last night that I was Hannah, Craig was Elkanah, and he actually had another wife Peninnah. What craziness....right? In my dream, Peninnah gave birth to a baby for Craig (or Elkanah, as was his name in my dream)...and she was just rubbing it in my face. I was so pissed. I felt so mad and hurt and upset and jealous. And not only did I feel those things towards "the other woman", but towards Craig as well. How could he? Why wasn't I enough for him?

Yes, I know this was a dream, but here it is, 5AM...and it is still very fresh in my mind. I kid you not, the thing that woke me up out of that nightmare, was not my alarm clock, but my own voice saying over and over again, "STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID". I began saying it in my dream about Peninnah, but I as started waking up and saw Craig next to me, though still completely out of it, I started saying it about him.

Aside from the crazy dream, the 100mg clomid isn't killing me to my surprise. I actually feel more subdued. I don't know if that is because of the clomid or because I have a head cold at the same time...but Craig has been absolutely amazing this time around. I feel as though I am being catered to...he has made amazing dinners, AND cookies!! He has brought me dessert from his parents house in the middle of his football games. He is making it impossible to blow up...which is great because I hate having to come back and apologize.

Back In The Saddle Again

Well...it's a "no go" this month. I've got to say, it amazes me how, for me, when we are trying to conceive...I feel so superstitious. What do I mean? For example...my mom was always so careful around me with what she would say when we were struggling with infertility in the past. The only time that I remember her being so bold as to say that she thought I was pregnant...was when I actually ended up being pregnant. I guess it doesn't take long to forget the sensitivity that is needed in such situation...and in conversation, she stated, once again, that she thought I could be pregnant. I quickly put that theory to rest for her, while inside hoping that she was right...it was still too early to really know. Well, a small part of me actually believed that since she said it again, and since she was actually right the first time...maybe...just maybe she was right this time. NO WAY JOSE!!!

I have to admit though, I'm not doing as poorly as I thought I would. I really was hoping...and not only that...I really did think that this was it. I obviously put too much thought into the teeniest of symptoms and made mole hills into mountains...but that is what one does WHEN IT ISN'T SO DANG EASY getting pregnant like it is for the whole rest of the ENTIRE DARN WORLD!!!! You tell yourself a million times to not get your hopes up, but it is so ridiculously hard when the ultrasound tech says that everything looks great, and the nurse says things look promising, and then I feel like I have to get up all the time to empty my bladder (but do I even think to correlate it to the fact that I am also getting out of bed because Emily is crying...and since I'm up, I might as well use the restroom).

Just consider me as being back on the crazy bus now because I really don't see another option. I am back in the saddle again. Every month I will step onto my roller coaster ride (each month moving on to a crazier version)...over analyzing every little symptom as well as making some up in my head. I will wonder if the gas kicking around in my stomach is actually the baby embryo moving around (I said I was crazy...and yes, that ridiculous thought had entered my mind for a quick second...as crazy as that sounds). I will look back on forums for advice from girls who have no idea what they are talking about yet they will claim to give advice about how my doctors don't know what they are doing (true story). I will become all knowing and wise regarding how others should or (more importantly) should not be parents. I will see others who are parents...who didn't want to be...and therefore question God's intentions, while at the same time providing God with advice about how he should have done things differently. I will start thinking that my "pooch" growing could be the result of a pregnancy rather than a result of me falling for the temptation at the grocery store line: buy 3 candy bars, get 3 free.

Honestly, like I said, I'm doing a lot better than I anticipated...since I had blown so much out of proportion in hopes of actually thinking that I could possible be pregnant. I know that I will be OK if Emily doesn't become a big sister soon. Emily is still so young...and it would be a lot of hard work having two little kids so close in age. I am just fearful of how long it will take again. I knew going into this that it wouldn't happen easily. I was just hoping that this time would be different. I was hoping that my body would have figured out how it was supposed to work. I was hoping that since I already have "my testimony" with Emily now, that I wouldn't have to go through it all over again. One of my favorite movie lines says, "You can wish in one hand and crap in the other...and see which one fills up first". Emily is my answered prayer. Emily is a dream come true. Will I be happy with just one child...absolutely, how could you not be with an amazing child like Emily? Will I be sad/heartbroken if I don't have another child? Honestly...yea. Emily is so wonderful...of course I want more just like her. If it comes down to it, will Emily be enough to satisfy me? I don't even have to think about that...a million times YES!!!!! I hope it doesn't seem like I'm contradicting myself.
In closing...I begin another round of clomid this cycle...a double up dose from last month. Pray for me, or better yet, pray for Craig!!!!

How Quickly I Forgot...

WOW...where did that psycho come from?? All I know is that I'm glad to see her go, and I'm positive my husband feels the same way. I feel like I went into this cycle completely unprepared. All I remember about clomid, from my past journaling, was having awful headaches and hot flashes. For some reason I didn't write about the crazy psycho BIOTCH that arrives in my place while taking clomid. It seriously felt like I had no control at times...I could hear my conscious telling me, "Mayday!!! Mayday!!! Retreat!!! Retreat!!!", but by then it was too late...my evil twin had arrived and Craig was non the wiser...an easy victim...unfortunately. A small part of me wonders...could I have controlled my temper more? Did I "let go" more because I could use the excuse of being on clomid? I really hope that isn't the case...it is just such a weird feeling knowing that I am about to step over the edge...and feeling like I am not able to stop.

Aside from the psycho tendencies...the hot flashes were killer ridiculous!! I actually didn't even remember the hot flashes until my first one happened at work. I was in the middle of teaching class, and it came over me like a heat wave. "Wooo....WOW...ummm...did it just get really hot in here?? Is it just me? WOW...ummm...I'm just going to open up this door (which leads to the outside...IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER)."

I went to the doctor for my "day #21" check-up (remember, I'm not going through a fertility clinic, so I'm not being monitored as closely). Everything looked "great". There were, on average, about ten follicles in each ovary and the ultrasound showed possible ovulation. The doctor seemed very optimistic...though I have trained myself to take it all at face value.

I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up, but I find myself utterly failing!!! For the first time, I have fallen back to some old tendencies: researching every possible symptom, reading online forums, reacting differently to pregnancy announcements (My first natural reaction, in my head, is to feel bad about myself and question whether I'll get to announce my own pregnancy again...but, at least for now, I can quickly shake it off and be happy for my friends), etc. As I'm starting to touch on those feelings again, it worries me. I don't want to go there and it makes me nervous to continue with the medication, especially when the doctor wants to double the dosage.

The waiting part of this cycle is making me so stressed out!!! I find that I am looking up which "cycle day" I'm on...every single day. How is it possible that I don't remember from the day before? Who knows!! I want to take a home pregnancy test (HPT) but the stinky thing for me is that when I actually was pregnant, my first HPT was negative, and I took it pretty late in the cycle. So, I feel like there is absolutely no point in taking a test.

Grrr!!!!!! OK, this was all probably way more than I wanted to share with you all, but I have had a lot of people thank me for being honest in the past...so I will do my best to continue the brutal honesty now and in the future.

"THE VISIT"

After calling Seattle Reproductive to inquire about a consultation meeting with their doctor...I found out that the appointment would cost $350 and that doesn't include any lab work. I really wasn't that surprised though...I knew my insurance didn't cover anything, but I guess I had a small amount of hope that maybe...I don't know...I guess I have a short memory because nothing was covered before, why would I think that it would be covered now?

So, I thought, maybe I could save some money...if I'm going to have to get labs taken, why not get them with my regular gynecologist so that my insurance would cover the cost? To my advantage, the office had an opening on my day off recently, so I was able to see one of my favorite mid-wives. After giving her the update of the past five years and sharing with her my new fears of having an irregular cycle and inquiring about PCOS...she was able to calm me down. She began by saying I clearly don't have PCOS and as for my irregular cycle, she seemed to think that, even though my cycle isn't the most consistent of cycles, she still believes that I am somewhat regular and quite possibly ovulating. She didn't recommend having any labs drawn. She said that it really didn't need to be done since I have already had labs drawn in the past and it really wouldn't change her recommendation of putting my on clomid. Clearly, Craig and I were able to get pregnant, so something worked out the way it should have.

I questioned her recommendation of using clomid. My fear was that, since I was told, in the past, that I don't really ovulate, what good would clomid do for me. I always understood clomid to be able to tell your ovaries to create a bunch of follicles...but if you can't ovulate, nothing would happen to the follicles. When I was at the GYFT, they would actually give me a shot that forced me to ovulate the follicles. My mid-wife corrected my misconception of clomid telling me that clomid is actually an ovulation enforcer. The reason I was given a shot at the GYFT was so that they could control as much of my cycle as possible. By controlling ovulation they would know the exact day to perform each of the inseminations...makes sense to me now!!

So, what's the conclusion? After talking to Craig, we agreed to hold off on the the consultation with SRM. It just doesn't make sense since I don't want to do anymore "big" procedures. We decided to move forward with clomid through my regular gynocologist's office. It would be completely covered by insurance under "irregular cycles" since clomid is used to regulate cycles. So, there you have it. Bring on the hormones...this should be interesting. Looking back at my journal, the only thing I wrote was that clomid gave me crazy headaches...hopefully that was the worst of it.

One of Many "Talks"

Since my sort-of "break down"...Craig and I agreed to come up with a day and time where we could sit down and discuss our "options". I know most of my "break down" is due to some heightened emotions, but I still think that it also brought to light some concerns/issues that were being ignored or suppressed.
Once we were able to find some time, it was interesting what came up. Right away, Craig brought up adoption and how he was ready to get the process started. On a side note: A couple of weeks prior to this Craig was on a business trip to Virginia. During his time there, he met with his boss for his review. She shared with him about their adoption process and how they have a close relationship with the birth-mother and how wonderful the entire experience was/is. It really impressed Craig.

Me, on the other hand, came to the conversation with the desire to go back to the fertility clinic. I feel a little torn with this desire. I feel like...after all I have been through...it almost feels like I am not "trusting" that I will get the same miracle again!! That is my fear in sharing this with others around me. What are they going to say? Are they going to tell me to "relax" again? Are they going to tell me to just give it more time? But then...why do I care what they have to say? In these situations anyone can say, "I don't care what they think", but it so matters. It matters because I, unfortunately, put weight on what others say and think. I ponder it...and I let it get to me. So...back to "the conversation".

In wanting to go back to the clinic...what I mean is that I want to try out the new clinic that moved into town: Seattle Reproductive Clinic. I looked into them before, but I didn't want to have to travel to Seattle for each and every procedure...so they were eliminated. Well, now they have a satellite office in Tacoma now. I told Craig that I was just interested in having a consultation meeting with a doctor to see what they thought of our past procedures and diagnoses. I absolutely DO NOT want to have major procedures done, but I am curious about whether or not the doctor would recommend any pill/hormones that could balance me out in hopes of allowing my body to do what it needs to do for a pregnancy.

So, at the end of our conversation, the verdict is as follows:
We will continue to try on our own for three more months. During that time, we will meet and have a consultation with Seattle Reproductive Medicine (SRM) just to see what they recommend. After three months, Craig and I will regroup and figure out what's next.

Flash Back...This Looks Familiar

Well, today I felt like crap for most of the day. Let me back up and explain...at least what I believe to be the cause of my crappy feeling:

Last night was the meeting for our infertility support group. Only three of us were able to show up, which always makes for an interesting discussion night. I feel like, the smaller the group, the deeper the conversation because less people get more time to talk and share.

So, anyways, one of the girls asked me if I was diagnosed, by my previous doctor, with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). I had never heard that term used to describe my cause of infertility...but she insisted that, from the symptoms I described to the group (irregular cycles and lack of ovulation), that she was sure that I had PCOS. I wasn't really bothered by the insistence...though I thought, but it got me to think..."Do I have PCOS?" "Is that why I'm not pregnant now?" "Is that keeping me from getting pregnant this second time around...because I was so sure that the second pregnancy would be quick and easy." "Did the doctors misdiagnose me?" The questions just kept running around in my head.

Later on, towards the end of the meeting, the other girl had asked me about our plans for having more children. This provided me the perfect opportunity to share that Craig and I had actually been trying for over a year now for baby #2. (I was always so afraid to bring that up because I didn't want to be "that" person in the infertility group who already had a baby and was greedy for another one...when the other girls in the group were desiring just one). I shared with them that Craig and I decided that once we were given the A.O.K. to start trying again, that we would do exactly that. I brought up how so many statistics say that once your body has a baby, it is able to figure out how it is intended to function and the second time around isn't as difficult...but I am finding that to not really apply to me. I shared how I was so excited because I thought my cycles were finally "regular" at 38 days...until the nurse told me that a 38 day cycle pretty much means no ovulation.

So...put those two things together: being able to be open about being back in the saddle with "trying" for baby #2 for over a year with no luck...and then having someone tell you that they are sure you have PCOS...for the first time since Emily...I began to feel infertile again.

As a result, I felt like CRAP all day today. I felt like at any moment I could just let the flood gates open. I felt like "WOE is me"...and I so hated feeling like that!!!! I have such a wonderful daughter...who by the way, as I was telling Craig how I was feeling...and crying on his shoulder, Emily came over to me and gave me hug and hug after hug because her mommy was crying. I DO NOT want to fall back into depression, and I know that I am just letting lies fill my head: battlefield of the mind!!!!

So, I find myself at a crossroad. Do I continue to try for baby #2 knowing that God has done a miracle with Emily and is more than capable to perform another miracle in me? Or do I seek out medical help (which I don't believe is "giving up" on God!!!) with SRM (who, by the way, has just so happened to open up a new office in Tacoma!!!) Part of me is SO CURIOUS as to what they would recommend!!! I am not looking to do any "procedures" any time soon!!! NO WAY JOSE!!! I am just wondering if they would recommend some hormone pills or something extremely basic!
There you have it!! Here we go again!

Infertility Support Group

Over the summer, an infertility support group has started at my church and I have been given the privilege in helping to lead it. So far we have met four times now, and each meeting has brought with it a new member. I am honored to be a part of this group, to be able to encourage women who are in the middle of such a difficult and extremely lonely and isolating journey. What humbles me the most is that they are willing to accept me into the group...even though I now have Emily.

When I put myself back in "that" place, I would never, in a million years, want to receive encouragement or prayer from someone who wasn't CURRENTLY fighting the same battle...because, in my eyes, they had no clue what I was going through. Yes, I would acknowledge the fact that they had "struggled" with infertility...but how could that person really know what I was going through if they had won their battle and given birth to a child? They no longer feel the same pain or loneliness. They no longer have to wonder if they will ever become a mother.

A part of me feels guilty for wanting to be a part of this amazing group. In no way do I want to bring more bitterness or jealousy into their hearts. Is it selfish for me to be a part of this?

NOW, that I am "on the other side of the fence" I know that my pain is still fresh. I know that I will NEVER forget the hurt, the torture, the hate, the bitterness, the jealousy, the anger that I had felt. My desire, in being a part of this support group, is to be the support. I don't necessarily want to say, "Hey, look at me!!! Look at my happy ending!! If you wait just a little longer, you too can have an Emily." That's not it at all!!! I simply want to be a pillar for these women to lean on. A safe place for them to vent. A sweet word of encouragement when nothing seems to soothe the pain.

Man...tonight was such a tough night as a newer member shared her story. It seemed to mirror my own journey. Both her and her husband had obstacles to overcome. I couldn't believe when she shared that, just last month, she had gone through her first IVF, and had transferred five embryos...JUST LIKE ME...and, unfortunately, just like me, she got the call from the nurse telling her that her results were negative. SON OF A ~~~~~!!!! I just wanted to cry. So much of my past pain began to overwhelm me. I still don't understand how I, how women and spouses, survive such a tragedy...such a loss. None of this journey is fair...I have never understood why so many wonderful and deserving people struggle in becoming parents...and then there are so many people with children that don't deserve them...can't handle them or afford them, or LOVE them!!!! Even now, I am reminded of what my Pastor said in his message from my letter two years ago: "There are no accidental children, just accidental parents."

I am so blessed to be a part of this group, and thankful to be accepted. I pray that the scars of my own journey are not forgotten, but can shared with others in order to bring hope in a place where it might otherwise be lost.

Deja Vu

Alright, so it seems as though I have fallen off of the face of the earth. I apologize for dropping the blog thing. A lot has been going on recently that has created a renewed desire to get back to my blog writing. So, what do I write about? I originally started this blog because I had struggled with infertility for four years, went through all sorts of infertility treatments (IUI through IVF)...all of which failed. I began this blog as my husband and I took a new direction as we "waited for our family to grow". As we looked into the adoption process...what do you know...I became pregnant.

Now, our baby girl, Emily Jolene, has just turned one year old. No...this is not going to be another blog about an average family...I am going to continue the original theme of this blog...WAITING FOR OUR FAMILY TO GROW.

Hubby and I would love to have more than one baby!!! I have heard so many times that people who have struggled with infertility and eventually became pregnant, that their bodies finally know what to do and they don't struggle in trying to pregnant in the future. Hmm...how true is that? Since it took us four years to get Emily, we both agreed that there would be no reason to use birth control because we had no idea how long it would take to get pregnant again. On top of that...WE WANT MORE!!!! So, needless to say, we are doing what we can :)

Well, the other week, we had a baby dedication at our church. The baby being dedicated was a foster child that the family was able to adopt. As the family shared their story, my eyes began to water...my heart had just reopened to the idea of "foster to adopt". I remember Craig and I talking, at the beginning of my pregnancy, about how our venture into the adoption process will always hold a place in our hearts and how we would stay open to that direction in the future. Well...HELLO FUTURE!! As of now, we have been "trying" for about the last six+ months. Since the recent baby dedication, Craig and I (Well, more me bringing the conversation up to Craig) have been talking about the "foster to adopt" process.

I love the "foster to adopt" route for a number of reasons. First, my mom was rescued by an amazing foster family...and I am always grateful for what that family has done for her. Second, as a teacher, my heart continually breaks each year as I hear about some of my student's home lives. Sometimes I just want to take these kids home and give them a life that they need and deserve. I would just love to be able to provide a new life, a home, and tons of love for a child that wouldn't otherwise get it.
So...this is where my blog comes into play. Join me on this journey as we continue to "wait for our family to grow".

Mother's Day Testimony

I received a call yesterday from the media guy at our church. He said that he had heard that I had quite the testimony on becoming a mother and wanted to know if I would be willing to have them record my story on video so that they could share it at each of the four services on MOTHER'S DAY!!! How cool is that?!?? I hope I get a copy to keep for myself!! If I do...I'll try to post it on my blog so you all can see, or...those of you in the area just might have to attend Life Center, in Tacoma, on Mother's Day to see it for yourself.
I am so excited...SO NERVOUS!! I have never done anything like this before, and when I am nervous...I turn beat red!!! I hate it!! I don't even know where to begin with my story, what points to include and what to leave out. I'm sure they don't have an hours worth of video time...I'm really going to have think about this. I am such a nerd, I just know that I am going to have to make a bulleted list of points that I want to make sure to hit. Don't worry, I won't put it on 3X5 cards to use as they are recording, that would be stupid. I will probably make myself cue cards...I'M KIDDING!! Once I figure out what I want to say and what is better left unsaid, I will be fine.

Craig will be in the video too. His job is to sit pretty on my side, with his arm around me...and to hand me tissue should I need it.

I am so excited about our story being shared on Mother's Day. I never thought, in a million years, that I would be excited for Mother's Day. This is just the coolest way to start off all of my Mother's Day celebrations.

I would love to see you there!! Mark your calendars.

Hindsight Is Always 20/20

So...it is truly amazing to see what has come about from my four years of torture by way of infertility. Recently, Craig and I attended an evening service at church. At some point, Pastor Dean mentioned a new ministry that he wanted to get started and I knew right away that I wanted to be a part of it. The ministry reaches out to women through abortion clinics. I don't know the exact details of the ministry yet (it is all still in the work), but he talked briefly on how he wanted the women to know that no matter what choice they make that God still loves them with all His heart. It won't be a bunch of us standing outside a clinic with picket signs, but rather going inside and meeting the women, handing them gifts with information, etc. Possibly checking up on the women to see how they are doing and meeting up with them for coffee to just talk. I love it!!!

So...I talked to the Pastor who was put in charge of this ministry and she wanted to meet me for coffee to get to know me and see where I would best fit in with this new ministry. When we met, the first thing she asked of me was to share my testimony with her. She knew a little bit about our challenge and success through church meetings, but she didn't know any of the details. As I began to share with her, from beginning to end, the ups and downs...mostly downs, the heartaches, the struggles, etc. I ended up completely surprising myself when I just broke down...in the middle of the coffee shop. I was surprised because I was no longer in the depths of my depression, yet simply talking about it all brought so much back to the top. When I started to talk about our IVF procedure and seeing our five embryos on the TV screen...and then getting the call two weeks later that none of them took...I could barely get the words out to her. In a way, it felt so good to talk about it. I think I have only shared the whole story with one other person (others would hear the story as it was happening), and even then I couldn't get through it without crying.

When I finished my testimony, Pastor Tiffany said that I gave her goose bumps. She asked me if anyone has ever told me what came from the message that Pastor gave based off of my letter (I wrote a post about that message somewhere down below). I told her I had no idea. She shared with that there was such a huge response from women that day. So many woman came forward to receive forgiveness for past abortions because they have never been able to forgive themselves. She also said that there were a number of woman who were pregnant and considering abortion, but have made the choice to give their baby life.
I couldn't believe it!!! I remember the day Pastor Dean gave that message. I remember Craig and I walking away that day, in tears, saying that if our story helped to save the life of just one child...it would make the past four years worth it. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat!!!

I KNOW that infertility sucks!!! I KNOW the doubts and frustrations that it can cause. I KNOW the lies that Satan uses to feed you when you are in the midst of that torture. And I KNOW NOW that God can take the worst part of your life and use it for His glory. I can easily say that the worst part of my life was when I found out that I had lost my five babies...but you know...I look back now and I am so blessed that God could use my babies to save the lives of others. My babies had a clear purpose from God. Without them, I would have never written my letter to my Pastor. Without that letter, my Pastor would have never given his message on life...using that to speak directly to woman who have had abortions or were considering abortion. Without that message, those woman would have continued living a life of condemnation and listening to the lies that Satan kept feeding them. Without that message, those woman considering abortion may have gone forward with it. I am confident that I will see my babies in Heaven someday and until then, I will pass on their story to their new little brothers/sisters.

Don't ever give up!!!

Red Envelope Day

I have never heard about this day, but I'm glad I ran across it!! Apparently March 31st is "Red Envelope Day". On this day, we are asked to send empty red enveloped to the White House with the following written on the back:

"This represents one child who died because of an abortion. It is empty because the life that was taken is now unable to be a part of our world. Responsibility begins with conception."

I hope that the word quickly spreads about this day so that the impact will be grand.

Here is a link to the website:
http://www.redenvelopeday.com/