When I put myself back in "that" place, I would never, in a million years, want to receive encouragement or prayer from someone who wasn't CURRENTLY fighting the same battle...because, in my eyes, they had no clue what I was going through. Yes, I would acknowledge the fact that they had "struggled" with infertility...but how could that person really know what I was going through if they had won their battle and given birth to a child? They no longer feel the same pain or loneliness. They no longer have to wonder if they will ever become a mother.
A part of me feels guilty for wanting to be a part of this amazing group. In no way do I want to bring more bitterness or jealousy into their hearts. Is it selfish for me to be a part of this?
NOW, that I am "on the other side of the fence" I know that my pain is still fresh. I know that I will NEVER forget the hurt, the torture, the hate, the bitterness, the jealousy, the anger that I had felt. My desire, in being a part of this support group, is to be the support. I don't necessarily want to say, "Hey, look at me!!! Look at my happy ending!! If you wait just a little longer, you too can have an Emily." That's not it at all!!! I simply want to be a pillar for these women to lean on. A safe place for them to vent. A sweet word of encouragement when nothing seems to soothe the pain.
Man...tonight was such a tough night as a newer member shared her story. It seemed to mirror my own journey. Both her and her husband had obstacles to overcome. I couldn't believe when she shared that, just last month, she had gone through her first IVF, and had transferred five embryos...JUST LIKE ME...and, unfortunately, just like me, she got the call from the nurse telling her that her results were negative. SON OF A ~~~~~!!!! I just wanted to cry. So much of my past pain began to overwhelm me. I still don't understand how I, how women and spouses, survive such a tragedy...such a loss. None of this journey is fair...I have never understood why so many wonderful and deserving people struggle in becoming parents...and then there are so many people with children that don't deserve them...can't handle them or afford them, or LOVE them!!!! Even now, I am reminded of what my Pastor said in his message from my letter two years ago: "There are no accidental children, just accidental parents."
I am so blessed to be a part of this group, and thankful to be accepted. I pray that the scars of my own journey are not forgotten, but can shared with others in order to bring hope in a place where it might otherwise be lost.