I'm telling you, I was so confident in believing that I was pregnant, I was going to tell my mother!!! We had a "girls" day in Seattle to shop, eat, and see the Broadway production of Mary Poppins. I was so uncomfortable then, I just wanted to shout it from the roof tops: "I THINK I'M PREGNANT!!!" Well, I guess it goes without saying...it's best that I didn't do that. I even bought a home pregnancy test (that's how sure of myself I was)...and wasn't disappointed that it came up negative because Emily's first test, at about 40 days, was negative.
Needless to say, that when Aunt Flo arrived, I was crushed!!! I became broken again, in such a way that it took me back to before Emily was here. I cried a lot that day...that whole weekend actually, and the times that I wasn't crying, I felt as though I could in a heartbeat if I let my guard down for just a second. I hated that feeling so much! I hated it back before Emily, and I especially hate it now!!!
This "secondary infertility" is so different the second time around. I don't have that desperate feeling of despair as much as I had the first time, but I do have this overwhelming feeling of guilt!! Guilt that I am not satisfied with just Emily (which, by the way...if God chooses to only bless me with one child...Emily is by far the greatest gift ever and I would never take that for granted), guilt that I feel like I'm not trusting the Lord as I should...after He has proven himself over and over for me, and guilt that I feel like I am the poster child for infertility at my church...and here I am again, crying at the alter begging God for another gift of a child. Coincidentally, the weekend that Aunt Flo arrived, our church was doing an "Infertility Service". It couldn't have been better timing! I just need to remember God's promises will not return to him void!! I will hold on to that!!!