How Quickly I Forgot...

Monday, December 20, 2010
WOW...where did that psycho come from?? All I know is that I'm glad to see her go, and I'm positive my husband feels the same way. I feel like I went into this cycle completely unprepared. All I remember about clomid, from my past journaling, was having awful headaches and hot flashes. For some reason I didn't write about the crazy psycho BIOTCH that arrives in my place while taking clomid. It seriously felt like I had no control at times...I could hear my conscious telling me, "Mayday!!! Mayday!!! Retreat!!! Retreat!!!", but by then it was too evil twin had arrived and Craig was non the easy victim...unfortunately. A small part of me wonders...could I have controlled my temper more? Did I "let go" more because I could use the excuse of being on clomid? I really hope that isn't the is just such a weird feeling knowing that I am about to step over the edge...and feeling like I am not able to stop.

Aside from the psycho tendencies...the hot flashes were killer ridiculous!! I actually didn't even remember the hot flashes until my first one happened at work. I was in the middle of teaching class, and it came over me like a heat wave. "Wooo....WOW...ummm...did it just get really hot in here?? Is it just me? WOW...ummm...I'm just going to open up this door (which leads to the outside...IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER)."

I went to the doctor for my "day #21" check-up (remember, I'm not going through a fertility clinic, so I'm not being monitored as closely). Everything looked "great". There were, on average, about ten follicles in each ovary and the ultrasound showed possible ovulation. The doctor seemed very optimistic...though I have trained myself to take it all at face value.

I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up, but I find myself utterly failing!!! For the first time, I have fallen back to some old tendencies: researching every possible symptom, reading online forums, reacting differently to pregnancy announcements (My first natural reaction, in my head, is to feel bad about myself and question whether I'll get to announce my own pregnancy again...but, at least for now, I can quickly shake it off and be happy for my friends), etc. As I'm starting to touch on those feelings again, it worries me. I don't want to go there and it makes me nervous to continue with the medication, especially when the doctor wants to double the dosage.

The waiting part of this cycle is making me so stressed out!!! I find that I am looking up which "cycle day" I'm on...every single day. How is it possible that I don't remember from the day before? Who knows!! I want to take a home pregnancy test (HPT) but the stinky thing for me is that when I actually was pregnant, my first HPT was negative, and I took it pretty late in the cycle. So, I feel like there is absolutely no point in taking a test.

Grrr!!!!!! OK, this was all probably way more than I wanted to share with you all, but I have had a lot of people thank me for being honest in the I will do my best to continue the brutal honesty now and in the future.


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