Your Love Is Better Than Life

Music has always been my place of refuge when going through tough times. I had certain songs that just spoke to me, they expressed feelings that I was unable to do on my own. Music became my way of calling out to the Lord, surrendering to Him and confessing His truth out loud so that my flesh could once again come into alignment with my soul.
Now, even though I am in a different place in life than I was five years ago...some songs still are able to take me back and REMIND me of how good God is and how faithful He is and was. The other day, I was listening to my favorite radio station, Air One, and a song by Remedy Drive came on. As I listened to the words, it almost brought me to tears. I can't really explain why...just that the words spoke to me, to my past trials of infertility, to the depths of our continual failures of trying to get pregnant and the loss of hope that I found myself in...HOWEVER...at the same time, reminding me that God never left my side through it all, that He not only walked WITH me but, like the "Footprints in the Sand" poem says, He was able to CARRY me through when I was no longer able to move forward.

REMEDY DRIVE ~ BETTER THAN LIFE

Exhausted You sustained me
Was lost but You regained me
It cost so much you made me free

Was broken You repaired me
My hope was thin, You spared me
You spoke lights lit the air for me

Your love saved my life
Your love is keeping me awake tonight

I need You
You keep You keep
My heart beating beating
I need You
You keep You keep
My lungs breathing
Because Your love is better than life
Better than life

You woke my soul within me
You gave me back Your fire to breathe
Your light broke through to rescue me

Your love saved my life

I need You
You keep You keep
My heart beating beating
I need You
You keep You keep
My lungs breathing
Because Your love is better than life
Better than life

You hold the stars in my skies
You put the light in my eyes
Your love keeps me alive
I need You now and You stay
You turned my night into day

I need You
You keep You keep
My heart beating beating
I need You
You keep You keep
My lungs breathing
I need You
You keep You keep
My heart beating beating
I need You
You keep You keep
My lungs breathing
Because Your love is better than life
Better than life

Your love is better than life
Better than life

As I was driving, I just fell in love with the chorus: Your love is better than life!!!!! IT IS!! IT SO IS!!! I cannot comprehend going through my four+ years of infertility without having God on my side...without knowing that I have a God who loves me and can heal me! I specifically remember finally coming to the point where I had lost all faith in the doctors and their treatments and knew that the only way we were going to be able to get pregnant was with a miracle from God...and THANK GOODNESS I knew a God that could make that happen. He was my only hope!!! 

In all honesty, that realization was not a relief...because it was easier to have hope in the doctors than in God...but I knew that God had become the only way for me and so it left me with no choice other than to put my trust and faith in Him. He is the only way!!!

"YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE!!!" His love is so great...it covers ALL things!! I'm so blessed and thankful that, first of all, I made it through my journey of infertility in one piece and stronger as a result. I thankful that I know am able to share with others the good things that God has done in my life! I'm speechless that God trusted me go through that and survive...seriously!! I know that sounds exaggerated, but it is more of an understatement than anything else. God is good! God is great!! HIS LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE!!

THE WAIT POEM

 After our failed IVF, Craig and I wanted to have something in our house that would symbolized our journey through infertility, and more specifically, the loss of our embryo's. When I saw this picture, I immediately fell in love. It is now framed and hanging in our living room. When we first hung it up...it brought tears to my eyes!

Wait
by Russell Kelfer 

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait." 

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word. 

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign. 

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply." 

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?" 

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

What Would It Be Like?

For some reason, for the last week or so...I have had this reoccurring question playing over and over in my head:
"I wonder what it would be like to be able to get pregnant...when you want to get pregnant?"

I find myself becoming jealous of all of my friends who decide to increase their family, and then the next month they make their announcement. I guess I'm just starting to get frustrated...it's that UNKNOWN that is so hard to deal with. I just have to keep reminding myself: If I knew that I would have ended up with Emily at the end of the four years of "hell" that we had to go through...I would, without of a doubt, do it over and over again. I just need to stay strong and believe that God can and WILL do it again for us. Part of me just wishes that "once" was all we needed to go through...but I can appreciate how much stronger it made me.

Hmm...I can't wait to meet the next addition to our family. What does God have in store for us?

To Blog OR Not To Blog...That Is The Question

I have been going back and forth on whether or not to post this...and I have finally come to conclusion of WHY NOT??? The whole reason that I wanted to start blogging was so that I could share my life with others going through the same thing that I am...so that I might bring a little encouragement or so that others would know that they are not alone.

So, here's the thing...Craig and I are going to be attending our first adoption class this weekend.

There...I said it...it's out there for the world to see *deep breaths*. I'll tell you, the only reason that I am so hesitant in sharing is because I fear that history will repeat itself. After going through all that we did in getting Emily...I just don't know that I'm ready for everyones questions, comments, and advice on the subject. I had NO IDEA that trying to get pregnant was going to be such a difficult and long road. If I would have known, then I wouldn't have announced it on the roof tops that we were simply trying to have a baby from the get-go. Lesson learned...the hard way. 

Regardless...one of the MANY difficult things about infertility was the feeling that no one understood...no one knew what I was going through...and since nobody really talks about it, that "alone" feeling was the worst. I felt like there was no one to talk to, REALLY talk to, who could relate and encourage me throughout the process. Yes, I had a few SPECIAL people in my life who I could still open up to...but it was still a sort of one-way street. They were all SUPER good listeners and even encouragers...but no one could really relate and let me know that what I was feeling was normal and OK.

---

So...that is why I'm going for it. I have no idea what the future holds for me regarding adoption, but I do know this...that through our 4 years of trying to conceive, God had opened a place in both Craig and I's heart for adoption.
Recently, I came across this incredibly interesting quote from a blog: The Lighted Path For Woman. Here is what stood out to me:

If only THREE 3% of the world's Christians adopted ONE child ALL adoptable orphans would have a permanent safe home and a forever family.

This blows my mind...and no, I'm not saying you have to be a Christian to adopt, this is just an amazing statistic that is bringing up conversation in the "Wright" household. "Things that make you go HMMMM!!!"
    So, there you have it...more to come this weekend.

The Real Housewives of the O.T. ~ Deborah

Our church (Life Center) devoted a weekend to infertility. The message was on Deborah from the Old Testament. Here are my notes from Pastor's message:

Judges 4:3-10

• When the moment came, the people in Judges spoke words in faith and saw miracles happen. They were people that did heroic things...in the land of promise.
• First God chooses a people, then God gives them a promise. These people are in the right place and the right time, and bad things still happen.
• Everything God promises you, you WILL be opposed!!! The life of promise is not a life of ease. It is a life of battle. The more you become the person you are meant to be...the more opposition you are up against.
• Deborah is more attentive to the promises than to the problem!!!

I want to be like Deborah! I want to keep my eyes on God's promise! I believe that I will be the mother to more than one child, and I don't want to be distracted by all of the disappointment I am surrounded with each and every month. Emily is a daily reminder to me of how NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR MY GOD!!!

The Real Housewives of the O.T. ~ Hannah

This was an amazing message at Life Center from Pastor Eric Boles last week about Hannah. I think he did such a great job with taking Hannah's story and applying it to all areas of life while still having a sensitivity with those struggling with the same hurts as Hannah. This really spoke to me and I hope it speaks to you as well. No matter what you are going through, hold on to your promise from God...it will not return to him void!!! Nothing is impossible for Him...I have to hold on to that, I have no other choice because I know that HE is the only way!!

This Was A Rough Weekend

I was SO positive that this month...WAS THE MONTH!!! You know what I mean..."the month" *wink, wink* Normally, I show absolutely no signs of the end of the cycle coming, nor any signs of pregnancy...which is why I didn't know that I was pregnant with Emily until I was 2 months along (don't forget, I had extremely irregular cycles). Well, this last cycle, out of the blue...my chest was ridiculously sensitive. This was so out of the blue...that it could only mean one thing, right? It made sense to me. The uncomfortableness started right after mid-cycle..and never went away...until...well, good ol' Aunt Flo arrived.

I'm telling you, I was so confident in believing that I was pregnant, I was going to tell my mother!!! We had a "girls" day in Seattle to shop, eat, and see the Broadway production of Mary Poppins. I was so uncomfortable then, I just wanted to shout it from the roof tops: "I THINK I'M PREGNANT!!!" Well, I guess it goes without saying...it's best that I didn't do that. I even bought a home pregnancy test (that's how sure of myself I was)...and wasn't disappointed that it came up negative because Emily's first test, at about 40 days, was negative.

Needless to say, that when Aunt Flo arrived, I was crushed!!! I became broken again, in such a way that it took me back to before Emily was here. I cried a lot that day...that whole weekend actually, and the times that I wasn't crying, I felt as though I could in a heartbeat if I let my guard down for just a second. I hated that feeling so much! I hated it back before Emily, and I especially hate it now!!!

This "secondary infertility" is so different the second time around. I don't have that desperate feeling of despair as much as I had the first time, but I do have this overwhelming feeling of guilt!! Guilt that I am not satisfied with just Emily (which, by the way...if God chooses to only bless me with one child...Emily is by far the greatest gift ever and I would never take that for granted), guilt that I feel like I'm not trusting the Lord as I should...after He has proven himself over and over for me, and guilt that I feel like I am the poster child for infertility at my church...and here I am again, crying at the alter begging God for another gift of a child. Coincidentally, the weekend that Aunt Flo arrived, our church was doing an "Infertility Service". It couldn't have been better timing! I just need to remember God's promises will not return to him void!! I will hold on to that!!!

Crazy Pain

HOLY SMOKES!!!! OK...so do you remember how in my last post I mentioned how the ultrasound showed that my right ovary was at least two times the size of my left ovary and, on top of that, it also contained hemorrhagic cysts as well as multiple follicles.

Today, throughout my day at work, I felt some slight uncomfortableness on the lower right hand side of my abdomen. I didn't think much of it...knowing that things weren't all that great anyways on that "side". Later today, as I held Emily in my arms...rocking her as we sang our routine bedtime songs...I was hit with this amazingly sharp pain in the same place. I accidentally let out a small cry and had to immediately stop singing so I could just hold my breath in hopes of not freaking out Emily anymore. Luckily Craig was there...he kept singing for me, and then was able to take Emily as I sat there crying quietly in horrible pain.

Poor Emily!! She is so empathic to others...right away, she started crying and calling out for "mama". I didn't want to move from the rocking chair until the pain passed...but I felt awful for Emily. I tried to suck it up as I stood up to hold Emily and tried to comfort her, while still crying silently in pain. Craig continued to sing while I swayed with Emily. Eventually I was able to mutter out some of the words of the song that Craig was in the middle of singing. She had finally calmed down, but wanted to be held for a bit longer before being put down.

By the time I put her down in her crib, my pain had subsided. Thank you Lord!!! I had never felt that kind of pain before. It was so sharp and so sudden!!! I'm assuming it was a bursting cyst. I don't know!! I am just glad that it is done!! Have I mentioned that I'm done with Clomid?? Yea...I'm pretty sure this just sealed the deal for me. Hopefully this will be the only ruptured cyst...if that is what it was!!

Some Disappointing News...

Arghh!!!!!
Well, I just had my ultrasound appointment today to monitor the old ovaries while on Clomid...and there was no good news to be told. The technician told me that she found two fibroids on my uterus and some hemorrhagic cysts in my right ovary. When looking at the pictures of my ovaries...the right side was, no joke, 2-3 larger than the left side. What the heck does this all mean?

I always struggle in hearing what the doctor has to say afterwards because I am in a state of shock. I remember her saying, at least I think that I heard her say, that the fibroids can become a cause of infertility. Immediately I could feel my eyes welling up. I kept telling myself, "BE STRONG!!!" "Stay strong Heather!!!" "Think of Emily...You have a beautiful baby girl...Think of Emily!! Meanwhile...at the same time, I'm thinking, "What the heck!?!?!? Seriously...another stumbling block? Another obstacle in my way...on top of everything else we are fighting against in trying to get pregnant? This is one sick joke! You have got to be kidding me!!!"
I know the doctor talked for a lot longer and was probably telling me stuff that I should have been listening to...but it is all just a blur to me. Oh yes, I do remember her saying that she recommended I take at least a month off from the Clomid in order to give my ovaries a break.

So, what now? I called Craig to tell him the good news, and could barely utter out the first words before I became incapable of communicating due to my quivering voice. What makes me so mad at myself is how quick I am to doubt the possibility of having another baby. I have my beautiful daughter sitting in the back seat of the car...and I'm crying because, once again, I have a bad report from the doctors...telling me that I have yet another obstacle. Why can't I stay strong? Why am I so quick to fall back into my old ways of doubt and worry...self pity and jealousy?

When I got home, I did some research on fibroids. It seems to be pretty common, however, the way that it can attribute to infertility is that it can hinder implantation, the risk of miscarriages increases, and depending on where they are located, they can also block fallopian tubes preventing the sperm from reaching the egg. The chances of these being a result of the fibroid is pretty slim...and I need to just remind myself of that because I so easily become that person where it feels like the walls are closing in on me and I am hopeless to stop it.

It's really no big deal...right? 50% of women get fibroids...just not this early in life. In talking with Craig, I kind of feel that I just need to be done with Clomid...for good. I only have one body, and I don't think it is worth it to damage my body if it isn't going to respond well to the medication and if other side effects could be avoided. I already have a hard enough time trying to get pregnant...why make things more difficult?

While researching on fibroids and cysts, I just so happened to come across an adoption website...hmmm. I just remember how good it felt, last time, to begin that process and to actually make progress in moving forward. So...I made a call, and left a message. I'm counting on hearing from them tomorrow.

I Had The Strangest Dream...

I had a dream last night that I was Hannah, Craig was Elkanah, and he actually had another wife Peninnah. What craziness....right? In my dream, Peninnah gave birth to a baby for Craig (or Elkanah, as was his name in my dream)...and she was just rubbing it in my face. I was so pissed. I felt so mad and hurt and upset and jealous. And not only did I feel those things towards "the other woman", but towards Craig as well. How could he? Why wasn't I enough for him?

Yes, I know this was a dream, but here it is, 5AM...and it is still very fresh in my mind. I kid you not, the thing that woke me up out of that nightmare, was not my alarm clock, but my own voice saying over and over again, "STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID". I began saying it in my dream about Peninnah, but I as started waking up and saw Craig next to me, though still completely out of it, I started saying it about him.

Aside from the crazy dream, the 100mg clomid isn't killing me to my surprise. I actually feel more subdued. I don't know if that is because of the clomid or because I have a head cold at the same time...but Craig has been absolutely amazing this time around. I feel as though I am being catered to...he has made amazing dinners, AND cookies!! He has brought me dessert from his parents house in the middle of his football games. He is making it impossible to blow up...which is great because I hate having to come back and apologize.