Your Love Is Better Than Life

Music has always been my place of refuge when going through tough times. I had certain songs that just spoke to me, they expressed feelings that I was unable to do on my own. Music became my way of calling out to the Lord, surrendering to Him and confessing His truth out loud so that my flesh could once again come into alignment with my soul.
Now, even though I am in a different place in life than I was five years ago...some songs still are able to take me back and REMIND me of how good God is and how faithful He is and was. The other day, I was listening to my favorite radio station, Air One, and a song by Remedy Drive came on. As I listened to the words, it almost brought me to tears. I can't really explain why...just that the words spoke to me, to my past trials of infertility, to the depths of our continual failures of trying to get pregnant and the loss of hope that I found myself in...HOWEVER...at the same time, reminding me that God never left my side through it all, that He not only walked WITH me but, like the "Footprints in the Sand" poem says, He was able to CARRY me through when I was no longer able to move forward.

REMEDY DRIVE ~ BETTER THAN LIFE

Exhausted You sustained me
Was lost but You regained me
It cost so much you made me free

Was broken You repaired me
My hope was thin, You spared me
You spoke lights lit the air for me

Your love saved my life
Your love is keeping me awake tonight

I need You
You keep You keep
My heart beating beating
I need You
You keep You keep
My lungs breathing
Because Your love is better than life
Better than life

You woke my soul within me
You gave me back Your fire to breathe
Your light broke through to rescue me

Your love saved my life

I need You
You keep You keep
My heart beating beating
I need You
You keep You keep
My lungs breathing
Because Your love is better than life
Better than life

You hold the stars in my skies
You put the light in my eyes
Your love keeps me alive
I need You now and You stay
You turned my night into day

I need You
You keep You keep
My heart beating beating
I need You
You keep You keep
My lungs breathing
I need You
You keep You keep
My heart beating beating
I need You
You keep You keep
My lungs breathing
Because Your love is better than life
Better than life

Your love is better than life
Better than life

As I was driving, I just fell in love with the chorus: Your love is better than life!!!!! IT IS!! IT SO IS!!! I cannot comprehend going through my four+ years of infertility without having God on my side...without knowing that I have a God who loves me and can heal me! I specifically remember finally coming to the point where I had lost all faith in the doctors and their treatments and knew that the only way we were going to be able to get pregnant was with a miracle from God...and THANK GOODNESS I knew a God that could make that happen. He was my only hope!!! 

In all honesty, that realization was not a relief...because it was easier to have hope in the doctors than in God...but I knew that God had become the only way for me and so it left me with no choice other than to put my trust and faith in Him. He is the only way!!!

"YOUR LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE!!!" His love is so great...it covers ALL things!! I'm so blessed and thankful that, first of all, I made it through my journey of infertility in one piece and stronger as a result. I thankful that I know am able to share with others the good things that God has done in my life! I'm speechless that God trusted me go through that and survive...seriously!! I know that sounds exaggerated, but it is more of an understatement than anything else. God is good! God is great!! HIS LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE!!

THE WAIT POEM

 After our failed IVF, Craig and I wanted to have something in our house that would symbolized our journey through infertility, and more specifically, the loss of our embryo's. When I saw this picture, I immediately fell in love. It is now framed and hanging in our living room. When we first hung it up...it brought tears to my eyes!

Wait
by Russell Kelfer 

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait." 

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word. 

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign. 

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply." 

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?" 

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

The Real Housewives of the O.T. ~ Deborah

Our church (Life Center) devoted a weekend to infertility. The message was on Deborah from the Old Testament. Here are my notes from Pastor's message:

Judges 4:3-10

• When the moment came, the people in Judges spoke words in faith and saw miracles happen. They were people that did heroic things...in the land of promise.
• First God chooses a people, then God gives them a promise. These people are in the right place and the right time, and bad things still happen.
• Everything God promises you, you WILL be opposed!!! The life of promise is not a life of ease. It is a life of battle. The more you become the person you are meant to be...the more opposition you are up against.
• Deborah is more attentive to the promises than to the problem!!!

I want to be like Deborah! I want to keep my eyes on God's promise! I believe that I will be the mother to more than one child, and I don't want to be distracted by all of the disappointment I am surrounded with each and every month. Emily is a daily reminder to me of how NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR MY GOD!!!

The Real Housewives of the O.T. ~ Hannah

This was an amazing message at Life Center from Pastor Eric Boles last week about Hannah. I think he did such a great job with taking Hannah's story and applying it to all areas of life while still having a sensitivity with those struggling with the same hurts as Hannah. This really spoke to me and I hope it speaks to you as well. No matter what you are going through, hold on to your promise from God...it will not return to him void!!! Nothing is impossible for Him...I have to hold on to that, I have no other choice because I know that HE is the only way!!

The Ball Keeps Rolling...

I met with Pastor T. who is heading up our new abortion recovery ministry. We met to go over some new details and to plan out some new ideas for "ZOE" (that's what we named the ministry...it means "life")

During the meeting, she shared with me an update related to the letter that I had originally wrote to Pastor Dean last summer regarding our IVF procedure. For those of you who don't know about that letter, check out the post titled: Listen to Parts of our Pastor's Message: When Does Life Begin. At my first meeting with Pastor T. she shared with me some of the results that came about as a result of Pastor Dean's message (mentioned in the post titled: Hindsight is 20/20). It was so great to hear...and it just amazes me as I CONTINUE to see God's hand work in this story.

So...like I started out with, I met again with Pastor T. to talk about our new ministry. During the meeting, she shared with me how "Care Net" was so excited to be partnering up with our church. Care Net shared with her how many churches donate to their cause but are not ready or are unsure of how to bring up the issue of abortion in their church...so they just stay silent to the subject. Well...when Care Net found out about our letter on infertility and how Pastor addressed the topic as a message, along with the response from the congregation, they had asked him to create a format that would be able to train and encourage other Pastors in helping them to be able to address such a tough topic in their own churches.

THAT'S HUGE!!! I just love hearing how our testimony continues to spread...it is just amazing to see God's hands continue to work. I know that He isn't done with this yet and I am so excited to see what He has in store for us around the corner.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

After time had passed from receiving our negative IVF results and we were able to gain some sort of healing, we both came to an understanding that God must have a different plan for us in starting our family. A few weeks after our IVF procedure, our Pastor announced that he was going to begin a new series answering questions that the congregation had. All we had to do was to go to the church website, and submit a question. From there, he would choose a few to give a message on.
   
At the time, I was completely lost as to what I understood in regards to our procedure...more specifically the embryos that we lost. I had received a few different explanations from friends and families around us: "You have every right to mourn, you lost five children." "You need to move on, there was no life in those embryos." My husband and I have always believed that life begins at conception, therefore, we considered our five embryos to be life; whether they were in my uterus or in a petri dish. I think that it hit home for us, when the embryologist showed us the video of him fertilizing each egg and then watching them grow each day from two cells, to four, and finally to eight. It was truly amazing to watch.
   
Once we received the tragic news that we were not pregnant, my mind got the best of me. Considering that they were "life", a part of me wondered if they were in heaven. Are they in an incubator in heaven or are they already full grown? If they aren't full grown, then who is watching over them and taking care of them as a baby? What do they look like? I wondered if they were looking down on Craig and I. If they are in Heaven, I can't believe that they are in the presence of God right now. How amazing. I mean, if you think about it...our kids had to be pretty special for God to want them in Heaven as quickly as he did.

    
With so many questions...I decided to submit them to our Pastor, not thinking in a million years that he would choose my question to make a message out of. Well...he did...and I cried through the entire thing. Needless to say, I had to get a copy of the message so that I could actually hear it. I feel that our Pastor touched on an extremely difficult topic with much grace.

Click on the link below if you would like to hear the message. I had to shorten it up a bit because the file was too large...but the meat of the message is still there:                            

Pastor Dean's Message: "When Does Life Begin"

At the end of the message, Pastor talked about how precious life is and he made an altar call to women...women who have had abortions and also to women who were considering having an abortion. He asked them to come forward for prayer so that they could receive forgiveness from themselves and from God...so that they would know and be able to receive God's love for them, that He still loves them no matter what is in their past and that He still has an amazing plan for their life. Our church has a total of five services, and of those five services, hundreds of women went forward!!!
   
Craig and I left that Sunday and I remember telling Craig that if our four years of "hell" were so that Pastor could give that message...so that those women could receive forgiveness from themselves and from God...so that ONE PERSON could change her mind on having an abortion...than I would do it all over again in a heart beat!