Ending The Silence...I'm Back!!!

I feel like I have disappeared for awhile, and I guess I did. A lot has happened in the last few months _

YEA!!!!! As of today, I am 13 weeks pregnant and my belly is growing at a much more rapid pace than it did with Emily...WAY MORE RAPID!!! There have been a handful of reasons as to why I kept this little secret for so long.
As you know, getting pregnant is not at all easy for me. I waited as long as I could before taking a pregnancy test. I have been keeping track of all of my cycles (with a handy dandy app from my iPhone) since Emily was born. In the last two and a half years, my longest cycle was 38 days long and it only occurred for three cycles, two of them being the first two cycles after Emily was born. After that, my cycles evened out around 34-35 days pretty consistently. When trying to decide if I should take a pregnancy test or not, I committed to waiting until cycle day #40. At that time, Craig had just come home from a trip to Virginia for his work's Christmas Party...and I had to lie to him that I had started my period, because I didn't want to get him excited that I was "late". The morning of day #40, I remember hitting the snooze button to my alarm clock as many times as I possibly could because I literally was terrified to take the test. I was clueless as to how I would handle the results...because I so sure that it would be negative. At the same time, I talked myself into believing that it wouldn't be so awful if it was negative because I was used to the disappointment...so "I would be just fine".
I finally got out of bed, found the hidden pregnancy test (Again, I didn't want Craig to see it), and I took my test. As I watched the second line show up...I was in shock!!! I had to double check the box to make sure that seeing two lines was a positive reading...and sure enough, it was. I WAS PREGNANT!! I started to cry in the bathroom because I honestly felt like this would never happen for us again. I believed that Emily was our gift and that God had other plans for our family...well...He sure did have "other" plans for our family, that's for sure.
I wanted to surprise Craig this time...other than just waking him up in tears asking him to explain what the two lines of the pregnancy test meant. I went downstairs and find the perfect little box to wrap the pregnancy test in. I quietly got back into bed with Craig and gently woke him up (He is NOT a morning person, so it was important that I carefully woke him up so that he wasn't cranky). As he began to wake up, I whispered to him that Santa brought him an early Christmas gift. His reply was, "Doesn't Santa know that I'm sleeping right now?" He was a good sport. When he saw the gift, he slowly opened it up...when he saw the contents in the box he immediately jumped up and said, "NO WAY!!!" He was so excited!!! We spent the next few minutes talking about the good news and trying to come up fun ways to tell our families.
We decided to tell our parents that evening...mainly because I CANNOT keep something like this a secret from mom for more than 24 hours...TOO HARD. We decided to tell my parents through a slide show. As the time, Craig was designing different logo's for my mom's new business that she was starting up. He created a slideshow to present each of his logo's and then the last slide was our pregnancy announcement. My parents were a hoot. It took so many attempts to get them to sit down to watch the slideshow. First, my mom wanted to look at her own computer, then she didn't want to sit at the table, she wanted to sit at the couch (but then dad wouldn't be able to see the announcement). Then when she finally sat at the table, dad was walking around. Craig asked dad to come and sit down, and his response was, "Na, that's OK...I have no say in this anyways." DAD!!!! Come sit down for pete's sake!!!! FINALLY...everyone was in their place, and the slideshow began. When the announcement finally showed, both parents were in unbelief for a split second and then overjoyed!!! YAY!!! When we announced to Craig's parents, we used the same idea...only, instead of logo designs, we showed them pictures of Emily and her visit with Santa. Then, again, the last slide was our pregnancy announcement. Craig's family was also overjoyed and just thrilled to tears for us.

So...why the long silent treatment?

Craig and I decided to return back to our old fertility clinic for the first trimester because when we were there for Emily's pregnancy, we enjoyed the special treatment of being seen once a week and being closely monitored. So, I called the clinic and made my appointment. The first two appointments were blood draws to check my HCG and everything looked great. They did notice that my progesterone levels were low so they put me on some meds to help balance that out. Finally at six weeks, I was able to have my first ultrasound. The ultrasound looked great...the baby was TINY, we couldn't make anything out...it just looked like a small blob, but we could see the heartbeat...a little fluttering on the screen in the middle of the blob. The baby was measuring 5 weeks instead of the 6 weeks that they expected by going off of my cycle. I made an appointment the following week. At that appointment, the Dr found a "Subchorionic Hemorrhage". I don't know if I fully understand it completely, but I believe it is as though the baby's sac was pulling away from my uterus and that empty area was full of blood. The Dr put me on a few restrictions: don't lift anything over 30lbs., no heavy exercise, no mall walking, etc. At first I was calm about it because the Dr seemed calm about it. He said that this occurs in 1 of 4 pregnancies and 90% of them heal on their own. If bleeding continues into the 2nd trimester then they would increase my restrictions with bed rest. What ended up terrifying me was when I broke down and started researching this condition online. It was there that I found a handful of horror stories that ended in miscarriages.
Because of my increased fear, Craig and I agreed to hide the pregnancy as long as we could. My 3rd ultrasound showed new bleeding in the hemorrhage, which was so disappointing because it was my prayer that it would at least show signs of healing so that I could begin to relax. I so didn't want to hurt the pregnancy anymore with my added stress.
At 11 weeks, I made it to another ultrasound. During this ultrasound, the baby's features were clearly starting to show: the head, the torso and the tiny little arm and leg buds. On top of that, little baby was moving and twisting all around...what a CUTEY PIE!!! The best part was that the hemorrhage was clearly starting to clot and heal. PRAISE GOD. Unfortunately, I had to go in a couple of days early for this appointment because I had some spotting earlier that day, so the Dr told me to stay on my restrictions.

Well, I've made it to 13 weeks now. I am no longer at the fertility clinic (they send you to your regular OB/GYN after 12 weeks). The worst part about the switch over is that I don't get seen as often, and the only ultrasound I get is at 20 weeks. I am making it work...the wait is SO LONG, but I know that it will work out. At 13 weeks, my growing belly can no longer be disguised anymore...so I finally announced our pregnancy at work and on facebook...which brings me to my blog.

The Real Housewives of the O.T. ~ Deborah

Our church (Life Center) devoted a weekend to infertility. The message was on Deborah from the Old Testament. Here are my notes from Pastor's message:

Judges 4:3-10

• When the moment came, the people in Judges spoke words in faith and saw miracles happen. They were people that did heroic things...in the land of promise.
• First God chooses a people, then God gives them a promise. These people are in the right place and the right time, and bad things still happen.
• Everything God promises you, you WILL be opposed!!! The life of promise is not a life of ease. It is a life of battle. The more you become the person you are meant to be...the more opposition you are up against.
• Deborah is more attentive to the promises than to the problem!!!

I want to be like Deborah! I want to keep my eyes on God's promise! I believe that I will be the mother to more than one child, and I don't want to be distracted by all of the disappointment I am surrounded with each and every month. Emily is a daily reminder to me of how NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR MY GOD!!!

The Real Housewives of the O.T. ~ Hannah

This was an amazing message at Life Center from Pastor Eric Boles last week about Hannah. I think he did such a great job with taking Hannah's story and applying it to all areas of life while still having a sensitivity with those struggling with the same hurts as Hannah. This really spoke to me and I hope it speaks to you as well. No matter what you are going through, hold on to your promise from God...it will not return to him void!!! Nothing is impossible for Him...I have to hold on to that, I have no other choice because I know that HE is the only way!!

The Ball Keeps Rolling...

I met with Pastor T. who is heading up our new abortion recovery ministry. We met to go over some new details and to plan out some new ideas for "ZOE" (that's what we named the ministry...it means "life")

During the meeting, she shared with me an update related to the letter that I had originally wrote to Pastor Dean last summer regarding our IVF procedure. For those of you who don't know about that letter, check out the post titled: Listen to Parts of our Pastor's Message: When Does Life Begin. At my first meeting with Pastor T. she shared with me some of the results that came about as a result of Pastor Dean's message (mentioned in the post titled: Hindsight is 20/20). It was so great to hear...and it just amazes me as I CONTINUE to see God's hand work in this story.

So...like I started out with, I met again with Pastor T. to talk about our new ministry. During the meeting, she shared with me how "Care Net" was so excited to be partnering up with our church. Care Net shared with her how many churches donate to their cause but are not ready or are unsure of how to bring up the issue of abortion in their church...so they just stay silent to the subject. Well...when Care Net found out about our letter on infertility and how Pastor addressed the topic as a message, along with the response from the congregation, they had asked him to create a format that would be able to train and encourage other Pastors in helping them to be able to address such a tough topic in their own churches.

THAT'S HUGE!!! I just love hearing how our testimony continues to spread...it is just amazing to see God's hands continue to work. I know that He isn't done with this yet and I am so excited to see what He has in store for us around the corner.

Mother's Day Testimony

I received a call yesterday from the media guy at our church. He said that he had heard that I had quite the testimony on becoming a mother and wanted to know if I would be willing to have them record my story on video so that they could share it at each of the four services on MOTHER'S DAY!!! How cool is that?!?? I hope I get a copy to keep for myself!! If I do...I'll try to post it on my blog so you all can see, or...those of you in the area just might have to attend Life Center, in Tacoma, on Mother's Day to see it for yourself.
I am so excited...SO NERVOUS!! I have never done anything like this before, and when I am nervous...I turn beat red!!! I hate it!! I don't even know where to begin with my story, what points to include and what to leave out. I'm sure they don't have an hours worth of video time...I'm really going to have think about this. I am such a nerd, I just know that I am going to have to make a bulleted list of points that I want to make sure to hit. Don't worry, I won't put it on 3X5 cards to use as they are recording, that would be stupid. I will probably make myself cue cards...I'M KIDDING!! Once I figure out what I want to say and what is better left unsaid, I will be fine.

Craig will be in the video too. His job is to sit pretty on my side, with his arm around me...and to hand me tissue should I need it.

I am so excited about our story being shared on Mother's Day. I never thought, in a million years, that I would be excited for Mother's Day. This is just the coolest way to start off all of my Mother's Day celebrations.

I would love to see you there!! Mark your calendars.

Hindsight Is Always 20/20

So...it is truly amazing to see what has come about from my four years of torture by way of infertility. Recently, Craig and I attended an evening service at church. At some point, Pastor Dean mentioned a new ministry that he wanted to get started and I knew right away that I wanted to be a part of it. The ministry reaches out to women through abortion clinics. I don't know the exact details of the ministry yet (it is all still in the work), but he talked briefly on how he wanted the women to know that no matter what choice they make that God still loves them with all His heart. It won't be a bunch of us standing outside a clinic with picket signs, but rather going inside and meeting the women, handing them gifts with information, etc. Possibly checking up on the women to see how they are doing and meeting up with them for coffee to just talk. I love it!!!

So...I talked to the Pastor who was put in charge of this ministry and she wanted to meet me for coffee to get to know me and see where I would best fit in with this new ministry. When we met, the first thing she asked of me was to share my testimony with her. She knew a little bit about our challenge and success through church meetings, but she didn't know any of the details. As I began to share with her, from beginning to end, the ups and downs...mostly downs, the heartaches, the struggles, etc. I ended up completely surprising myself when I just broke down...in the middle of the coffee shop. I was surprised because I was no longer in the depths of my depression, yet simply talking about it all brought so much back to the top. When I started to talk about our IVF procedure and seeing our five embryos on the TV screen...and then getting the call two weeks later that none of them took...I could barely get the words out to her. In a way, it felt so good to talk about it. I think I have only shared the whole story with one other person (others would hear the story as it was happening), and even then I couldn't get through it without crying.

When I finished my testimony, Pastor Tiffany said that I gave her goose bumps. She asked me if anyone has ever told me what came from the message that Pastor gave based off of my letter (I wrote a post about that message somewhere down below). I told her I had no idea. She shared with that there was such a huge response from women that day. So many woman came forward to receive forgiveness for past abortions because they have never been able to forgive themselves. She also said that there were a number of woman who were pregnant and considering abortion, but have made the choice to give their baby life.
I couldn't believe it!!! I remember the day Pastor Dean gave that message. I remember Craig and I walking away that day, in tears, saying that if our story helped to save the life of just one child...it would make the past four years worth it. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat!!!

I KNOW that infertility sucks!!! I KNOW the doubts and frustrations that it can cause. I KNOW the lies that Satan uses to feed you when you are in the midst of that torture. And I KNOW NOW that God can take the worst part of your life and use it for His glory. I can easily say that the worst part of my life was when I found out that I had lost my five babies...but you know...I look back now and I am so blessed that God could use my babies to save the lives of others. My babies had a clear purpose from God. Without them, I would have never written my letter to my Pastor. Without that letter, my Pastor would have never given his message on life...using that to speak directly to woman who have had abortions or were considering abortion. Without that message, those woman would have continued living a life of condemnation and listening to the lies that Satan kept feeding them. Without that message, those woman considering abortion may have gone forward with it. I am confident that I will see my babies in Heaven someday and until then, I will pass on their story to their new little brothers/sisters.

Don't ever give up!!!

Presentation Sunday

Last year, my parent's Pastor told them about a church in Bothell that devotes the last Sunday of every January as: Presentation Sunday, in commemoration of the Presentation of Jesus in the Temple by Mary and Joseph 40 days after His birth. On this day Cedar Park Church (in Bothell), along with a growing number of other churches in the area and around the world, will be praying for couples who are desiring to have children but have encountered difficulty in doing so. Hundreds of babies are known to have been born in response to previous Presentation Sunday Prayer Services. Some babies arrive miraculously, some with the aid of fertility treatment, and some by adoption, but all are in response to prayer.

My husband and I attended last year for the first time. It was truly a blessing. The church has been doing this service for over 20 years now. After praise and worship, the Pastor shares his own testimony of how he and his wife have had 11 miscarriages throughout their marriage, which is why he has such a heart for couples struggling with infertility.

Last year, after the Pastor's message, he opened up the floor for couple's to share their testimonies. It was amazing!! Some couples shared how they have struggled for YEARS at trying to conceive. Some couples received their blessing through a miracle of pregnancy, others through adoption, and to my amazement...there were a couple stories of "snowflake" babies!!! There were a couple of women who adopted frozen embryos and were able to experience pregnancy. After being renewed with encouragement from hearing story after story of how...everything eventually worked out, couples who were currently struggling with infertility were asked to come forward and receive prayer. Craig and I, along with a TON of other couples came forward and knelt down as others walked around and prayed over us. One truly amazing thing about our experience was that it wasn't just adults that prayed over us...but also "Presentation Children" (Children who came to be after their parents attended a Presentation Service and received prayer). These children, ranging in ages from 12ish-3ish...walked around each of the couples, laying their hands on them and praying for them. It was BEAUTIFUL!!!!

So, needless to say, Craig and I had the pleasure of attending this year and being able to share our own testimony in hopes of providing encouragement for other couples. As those couples went forward for prayer, I was just filled with so such emotion. I just remember how, not so long ago, I felt so lost. I remember saying that I felt as though I had "faith without hope". I don't know why we went through what we had gone through, but I do know that I am a better person because of it...though if you had asked me in the middle of our challenge I would have thought that that was load of bologna. Nonetheless...I went through it...key word: "through".

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

After time had passed from receiving our negative IVF results and we were able to gain some sort of healing, we both came to an understanding that God must have a different plan for us in starting our family. A few weeks after our IVF procedure, our Pastor announced that he was going to begin a new series answering questions that the congregation had. All we had to do was to go to the church website, and submit a question. From there, he would choose a few to give a message on.
   
At the time, I was completely lost as to what I understood in regards to our procedure...more specifically the embryos that we lost. I had received a few different explanations from friends and families around us: "You have every right to mourn, you lost five children." "You need to move on, there was no life in those embryos." My husband and I have always believed that life begins at conception, therefore, we considered our five embryos to be life; whether they were in my uterus or in a petri dish. I think that it hit home for us, when the embryologist showed us the video of him fertilizing each egg and then watching them grow each day from two cells, to four, and finally to eight. It was truly amazing to watch.
   
Once we received the tragic news that we were not pregnant, my mind got the best of me. Considering that they were "life", a part of me wondered if they were in heaven. Are they in an incubator in heaven or are they already full grown? If they aren't full grown, then who is watching over them and taking care of them as a baby? What do they look like? I wondered if they were looking down on Craig and I. If they are in Heaven, I can't believe that they are in the presence of God right now. How amazing. I mean, if you think about it...our kids had to be pretty special for God to want them in Heaven as quickly as he did.

    
With so many questions...I decided to submit them to our Pastor, not thinking in a million years that he would choose my question to make a message out of. Well...he did...and I cried through the entire thing. Needless to say, I had to get a copy of the message so that I could actually hear it. I feel that our Pastor touched on an extremely difficult topic with much grace.

Click on the link below if you would like to hear the message. I had to shorten it up a bit because the file was too large...but the meat of the message is still there:                            

Pastor Dean's Message: "When Does Life Begin"

At the end of the message, Pastor talked about how precious life is and he made an altar call to women...women who have had abortions and also to women who were considering having an abortion. He asked them to come forward for prayer so that they could receive forgiveness from themselves and from God...so that they would know and be able to receive God's love for them, that He still loves them no matter what is in their past and that He still has an amazing plan for their life. Our church has a total of five services, and of those five services, hundreds of women went forward!!!
   
Craig and I left that Sunday and I remember telling Craig that if our four years of "hell" were so that Pastor could give that message...so that those women could receive forgiveness from themselves and from God...so that ONE PERSON could change her mind on having an abortion...than I would do it all over again in a heart beat!

I'm Thankful

It was about two years ago when I began meeting with our previous Pastor's wife for counsel. One of the things that she wanted me to do was read a Psalm each day and then...in a sense, write my own Psalm that paralleled the one that I had just read. Today, I remember a Psalm that really stuck out to me. It was Psalm 42.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:

The Psalm continues as David lists out what he is thankful for. I realized that I have A LOT to be thankful for and that it is all easily forgotten when I place all of my focus, all of my heart, on the one thing that I can't have. It was then that I decided to list out what I was thankful to God for. Here is what I listed:

1. My wonderful, supportive, and loving Parents
2. Meeting and falling in love with the man of my dreams
3. A God who loves me and has a GRAND plan for my life
4. Going back to school and receiving a degree within my calling
5. My brother who would do just about anything for me
6. My beautiful dream house in the middle of my dream neighborhood
7. Two nice and dependable cars
8. My dream job and wonderful coworkers
9. A talented husband of many trades
10. Friends who deeply care about me
11. FInances that have always just "somehow" been enough
12. A support system through Maria and Joel

I know that I could continue my list to no end, but these are the things in my life that really stick out, that have made my journey a little bit more bearable...especially when you are surrounded with friends and family who won't let you give up. Who won't let you lose yourself in a struggle. Who won't let you be alone for too long. I don't know where I would be without everyone in my life, without their prayers. THANK YOU TO EACH ONE OF YOU!!!

At the end of Psalm 42, David says this in verse 11:

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

I love the...."I will YET praise him". I know that God has a plan for my life. He knows the desires of my heart. One thing that has kept me going...is knowing that very thing. Jeremiah 29:4, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I know there is something better than this out there, and I don't want to set up camp in the "crappy" part of my life. In order to find out what God has in store for me, I have no choice but to keep on moving forward. OH...there have been MANY days, where I have "set up camp" because it was comfortable and easy. Some days, it was nice to sit down and have a pity party for awhile. Thank God for giving me the courage and the strength to get up and out of those traps.