I was so confused and frustrated with myself for getting so emotionally attached...especially when they never contacted us. I confused myself...I kept telling myself that I would be fine, but once we got the official news, I felt like I had gotten that dreaded call from the fertility clinic...the one telling me that my blood work was negative. I was right back in that place...that I never wanted to be in again.
So...put all of the brick walls back together again. With the above bad news on top of the email from our agency telling us that we were going to be placed on a wait list...and I feel broken.
Here is my plan...OH NO, you better believe that this is not going to stop me!!! I have to continue to move forward, because if there is one thing I learned from my four years of hell with infertility...it's that you CANNOT stop moving forward. My darkest moments were when I stopped to set up camp in PITY park.
Yesterday, we had the pleasure of having dinner with some long time friends who have a lot of experience with fostering...as they have two foster kids of their own. Our original intent to meet with them was to ask for advice on what we needed to do to prepare for our home study (Well, that was before we knew we were going on a wait list). Our evening ended up just being full of much needed encouragement. They shared their own experience in foster care, information on an agency that we didn't know about (one that has a huge success rate), as well as information on simply adopting with the aid of an attorney. Through our discussion, as well as with their testimonies, I was reminded of how much Craig and I were turned on to foster care when we finished the state mandated PRIDE training. After hearing the stories of what these kids had gone through, and also having first hand experience with some of these kids...being a teacher, sometimes I just want to take these kids home with me and love and protect them...give them a safe home to live in and a loving family to be a part of. This evening just helped to shed light on, yet, another option for us to move forward in.
Foster to adopt is a scary road to take...in that you never truly know if the child placed in your home is a "forever" child. There are so many questions that you, I, need to consider. Am I strong enough for this? What if the child can't stay with us? Am I strong enough, emotionally? How will Emily handle this? How will this affect her? How will I handle it if a child is taken away from us and placed back with their family...which I completely understand that that is the states number one goal for all of the children. I just can't imagine having a child for any length of time, growing attached to that child, loving them...and then having them be taken back. BUT...I think about James 1:27, and how much it would mean to those kids to have, even for just a moment in their life, a glimpse into what a family "could" be like, a glimpse into what God's love for them is like. To be able to witness to each child...plant a seed in their life. How powerful would that be? Would the possibility of pain, on our part, be worth that? Without hesitation, the answer is YES!!! The only problem is that my mind knows that...but I don't know how to tell my heart that. My mother is a product of an amazing foster family, and I am convinced that it is because of that family that God placed her with...that allowed MY family to be as wonderful as it was/is.
We have a lot to think about...many choices in front of us to pray about. I will keep you posted.