I'll be honest, I wasn't the sweetest thing on the phone. I was so excited to be able to cross SOMETHING else off of my to-do list, especially with the bomb dropped from earlier this week...and to call me
THE DAY BEFORE my appointment?!?!? I was...to say it nicely...a tad bit frustrated.
Well, just as before, I am finding myself consumed with thoughts of adoption. Before, when we were going through our journey of infertility, all I could ever think about was "it":
- Would I ever be a mom
- Would I ever get pregnant
- Would I ever experience a baby in my belly
- Would I ever get to hold a child and call it my own
- Would I ever get to rock a child of my own to sleep
- Would I ever...YOU NAME IT.
NOW, I find myself in a similar situation, only this time I am thinking about adoption...NON-STOP. It is overwhelming to be in this position again because it just drains you. I literally have to tell myself to snap out of it and pay attention to whatever it is I'm in the middle of doing.
This morning, I just prayed to God to give me peace about this situation, about the entire process. This process has given me the false idea of being in control...once again. (I seem to think that I am in control, or that I can easily take control, of these overwhelming situations I keep finding myself in). I prayed that I would be able to find rest in this situation while, at the same time, allowing God to do what he does best.
Today, I had one of those epiphany moments...while sitting at the lunch table THINKING about adoption. Let me start by sharing about my thought process from this morning. While standing in the kitchen, eating my breakfast...I was thinking about how it seems like all of these doors were closing on us this week...and wondering if God was trying to drop some pretty big hints that we were moving in the wrong direction. I thought that maybe we just are not called to do adoption. As I thought about that idea again, at lunch, here is the message that I received:
If God calls us to take care of the orphans (James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.) then why would he close the doors on us when we are moving forward according to his own Word? So, if it's not God closing the doors on us, than we must be under attack for doing God's will. John 10:10 says that the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.
It all made sense to me then. It was one of those moments where your palm meets your forehead and you think to yourself, "DUH"!!! Whenever God's children are moving forward in their calling, Satan is right around the corner to bring discouragement. Discouragement steals your joy, kills your hope, and destroys the plans that God had before you.
Even though my bombs from this week SUCKED...I am so encouraged to realize that I am in the middle of this battle because, to me, it means that I am moving forward in what God has for me...why else would Satan want to destroy it?? I am just going to be working that much harder, believing that much more...that God is beside me, watching over me, and will guide me every step of the way.
Please continue to pray...as I gear up for battle.