This Was A Rough Weekend

I was SO positive that this month...WAS THE MONTH!!! You know what I mean..."the month" *wink, wink* Normally, I show absolutely no signs of the end of the cycle coming, nor any signs of pregnancy...which is why I didn't know that I was pregnant with Emily until I was 2 months along (don't forget, I had extremely irregular cycles). Well, this last cycle, out of the blue...my chest was ridiculously sensitive. This was so out of the blue...that it could only mean one thing, right? It made sense to me. The uncomfortableness started right after mid-cycle..and never went away...until...well, good ol' Aunt Flo arrived.

I'm telling you, I was so confident in believing that I was pregnant, I was going to tell my mother!!! We had a "girls" day in Seattle to shop, eat, and see the Broadway production of Mary Poppins. I was so uncomfortable then, I just wanted to shout it from the roof tops: "I THINK I'M PREGNANT!!!" Well, I guess it goes without saying...it's best that I didn't do that. I even bought a home pregnancy test (that's how sure of myself I was)...and wasn't disappointed that it came up negative because Emily's first test, at about 40 days, was negative.

Needless to say, that when Aunt Flo arrived, I was crushed!!! I became broken again, in such a way that it took me back to before Emily was here. I cried a lot that day...that whole weekend actually, and the times that I wasn't crying, I felt as though I could in a heartbeat if I let my guard down for just a second. I hated that feeling so much! I hated it back before Emily, and I especially hate it now!!!

This "secondary infertility" is so different the second time around. I don't have that desperate feeling of despair as much as I had the first time, but I do have this overwhelming feeling of guilt!! Guilt that I am not satisfied with just Emily (which, by the way...if God chooses to only bless me with one child...Emily is by far the greatest gift ever and I would never take that for granted), guilt that I feel like I'm not trusting the Lord as I should...after He has proven himself over and over for me, and guilt that I feel like I am the poster child for infertility at my church...and here I am again, crying at the alter begging God for another gift of a child. Coincidentally, the weekend that Aunt Flo arrived, our church was doing an "Infertility Service". It couldn't have been better timing! I just need to remember God's promises will not return to him void!! I will hold on to that!!!