Infertility Support Group

Over the summer, an infertility support group has started at my church and I have been given the privilege in helping to lead it. So far we have met four times now, and each meeting has brought with it a new member. I am honored to be a part of this group, to be able to encourage women who are in the middle of such a difficult and extremely lonely and isolating journey. What humbles me the most is that they are willing to accept me into the group...even though I now have Emily.

When I put myself back in "that" place, I would never, in a million years, want to receive encouragement or prayer from someone who wasn't CURRENTLY fighting the same battle...because, in my eyes, they had no clue what I was going through. Yes, I would acknowledge the fact that they had "struggled" with infertility...but how could that person really know what I was going through if they had won their battle and given birth to a child? They no longer feel the same pain or loneliness. They no longer have to wonder if they will ever become a mother.

A part of me feels guilty for wanting to be a part of this amazing group. In no way do I want to bring more bitterness or jealousy into their hearts. Is it selfish for me to be a part of this?

NOW, that I am "on the other side of the fence" I know that my pain is still fresh. I know that I will NEVER forget the hurt, the torture, the hate, the bitterness, the jealousy, the anger that I had felt. My desire, in being a part of this support group, is to be the support. I don't necessarily want to say, "Hey, look at me!!! Look at my happy ending!! If you wait just a little longer, you too can have an Emily." That's not it at all!!! I simply want to be a pillar for these women to lean on. A safe place for them to vent. A sweet word of encouragement when nothing seems to soothe the pain.

Man...tonight was such a tough night as a newer member shared her story. It seemed to mirror my own journey. Both her and her husband had obstacles to overcome. I couldn't believe when she shared that, just last month, she had gone through her first IVF, and had transferred five embryos...JUST LIKE ME...and, unfortunately, just like me, she got the call from the nurse telling her that her results were negative. SON OF A ~~~~~!!!! I just wanted to cry. So much of my past pain began to overwhelm me. I still don't understand how I, how women and spouses, survive such a tragedy...such a loss. None of this journey is fair...I have never understood why so many wonderful and deserving people struggle in becoming parents...and then there are so many people with children that don't deserve them...can't handle them or afford them, or LOVE them!!!! Even now, I am reminded of what my Pastor said in his message from my letter two years ago: "There are no accidental children, just accidental parents."

I am so blessed to be a part of this group, and thankful to be accepted. I pray that the scars of my own journey are not forgotten, but can shared with others in order to bring hope in a place where it might otherwise be lost.

Deja Vu

Alright, so it seems as though I have fallen off of the face of the earth. I apologize for dropping the blog thing. A lot has been going on recently that has created a renewed desire to get back to my blog writing. So, what do I write about? I originally started this blog because I had struggled with infertility for four years, went through all sorts of infertility treatments (IUI through IVF)...all of which failed. I began this blog as my husband and I took a new direction as we "waited for our family to grow". As we looked into the adoption process...what do you know...I became pregnant.

Now, our baby girl, Emily Jolene, has just turned one year old. No...this is not going to be another blog about an average family...I am going to continue the original theme of this blog...WAITING FOR OUR FAMILY TO GROW.

Hubby and I would love to have more than one baby!!! I have heard so many times that people who have struggled with infertility and eventually became pregnant, that their bodies finally know what to do and they don't struggle in trying to pregnant in the future. Hmm...how true is that? Since it took us four years to get Emily, we both agreed that there would be no reason to use birth control because we had no idea how long it would take to get pregnant again. On top of that...WE WANT MORE!!!! So, needless to say, we are doing what we can :)

Well, the other week, we had a baby dedication at our church. The baby being dedicated was a foster child that the family was able to adopt. As the family shared their story, my eyes began to water...my heart had just reopened to the idea of "foster to adopt". I remember Craig and I talking, at the beginning of my pregnancy, about how our venture into the adoption process will always hold a place in our hearts and how we would stay open to that direction in the future. Well...HELLO FUTURE!! As of now, we have been "trying" for about the last six+ months. Since the recent baby dedication, Craig and I (Well, more me bringing the conversation up to Craig) have been talking about the "foster to adopt" process.

I love the "foster to adopt" route for a number of reasons. First, my mom was rescued by an amazing foster family...and I am always grateful for what that family has done for her. Second, as a teacher, my heart continually breaks each year as I hear about some of my student's home lives. Sometimes I just want to take these kids home and give them a life that they need and deserve. I would just love to be able to provide a new life, a home, and tons of love for a child that wouldn't otherwise get it.
So...this is where my blog comes into play. Join me on this journey as we continue to "wait for our family to grow".

Emily's First Bee-Day Party

It's just about time for me to start thinking about Emily's 2nd birthday party...so I thought I would share with you how we celebrated her 1st BEE-DAY Party...get it?? Bee-Day...B-Day...of course you get it!!! I feel like it's the "thing" to go overboard with your kids birthday parties...and since I'm such a cheap-skate, I had to find a way to do the party scene in an affordable manor.
 
First thing's first...I needed to try and come up with a great theme for the party. In searching high and low over the internet, I finally found it...a BEE theme, for her first Bee-Day party!! Once I settled on the theme, the rest sort of fell in to place. The internet was a great resource! I was able to find a post that showed off a cute way to decorate, the most adorable cake, and cute verbiage for her invitation. Here is a link where I found a lot of my ideas:
   ~ Buzzing Little Bumble Bee Party

I loved the wording on this invitation...so I used it to create Emily's Invitation. The layout of my invitation was different. I can't seem to find my picture of the actual invitation, so I'll do my best to describe it. I layered a solid yellow paper, then a yellow checkerboard paper, and then white paper with the invitation printed on it. I found an adorable bumble bee stamp. I stamped it on white paper and punched it out with a small square punch and then layered that onto a solid yellow square, slightly larger in size. On the main invitation, I placed a black and white polka dot ribbon across the middle and then I glued the squared bee stamp on top.

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Now, as for the cake, I was terrified to do my own cake. All of my friends, who make cake decorating look easy, were on vacation the same week as the party (the down side of having a summer party). So...I was forced to suck it up...and try something new. Here is a side by side view of the cakes. On the left is the cake that I found on the internet, and the cake on the right is the one that I made...looking at the pictures now, I probably didn't have to tell you which one was mine...LOL.

As for the decorations...I had a lot of help with my cricut machine. I made Emily's "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" banner, bee ornaments and food labels from the kit: "Walk In My Garden". Then I made my own BEE headbands for ALL of the guests to wear (even the boys).

My favorite part of the party was Emily's attire. I ordered a bumble bee colored tutu from the Estsy shop: StrawberrieRose. Her tutu's are AMAZING looking...so full, and of the highest quality!! I couldn't have been happier when it arrived in the mail. Now, I didn't want Emily to get all messy with her cake in her beautiful tutu, so I also purchased an adorable onesie from Gymboree. It also had a small ruffled layer around the waist, an embroidered bee on the front and then the cutest wings on the back. Emily was all set for her birthday!!

Last, but certainly not least...let's talk food!! We had your average Bee-Bee-Q, though I just gave the food fun names: Honey Bee-Bee-Q Chicken, Bee Nectar (Juice), etc. For Dessert, aside from Emily's cake, I made cupcakes, for all of the guests, that I decorated with simple fondant flowers. I also found a great recipe for peanut butter bee's. They were so easy to make (I'm all about easy), and cute...a little messy, but delicious!!!

This digital slideshow generated with Smilebox

Emily Jolene Wright

Craig and I were finally able to decide on a middle name. It was so important to me to find a middle name that had a meaning which would reflect the long journey it took to bring Emily into this world. After many contenders, we finally settled on Jolene. The meaning of Jolene is, "God has added/increased". One website went so far as to define Jolene as meaning: "God has added a child". That is what did it for me. The name was perfect!!! It had the perfect meaning, and it was unique...you don't hear too many people with that name. Craig and I both loved it...and when the time finally came to meet Emily face to face...it fit her perfectly!!!

I'd like you all to meet, Emily Jolene Wright...my beautiful daughter.

Labor and Delivery

Monday, the 27th of July, was the BIG day. It started with a visit to the Chiropractor...she said if I haven't given birth by Monday, she wanted me to come in and she would try some techniques get things moving. She did a couple of pressure points on the inside of my knees and then massaged my round ligaments to try and loosen them up. Right after that appointment, I had my weekly appointment with my doctor. Once again, they asked if I wanted to be checked for dilation. I hesitated, but then decided to go for it. It turns out that I was dilated to 5cm!!! She couldn't believe I wasn't in labor. She then asked if I wanted her to "strip my membranes". She said that if I were close to giving birth, that this process would push me over the edge...however, if my body wasn't ready, nothing would happen. I decided...WHY NOT?!?! As soon as she did her thing, I had a small contraction.

I then asked her...since I'm so far dilated, do you still want me to wait for one hour before going to the hospital should I start getting consistent contractions. She said, NO...as soon as they are somewhat consistent, go to the hospital...as soon as your water breaks, go to the hospital.

I came home and told Craig all about the appointment. He was so excited...he even started to pack the car and arranged for the dog to be taken care of. He was so sure it was going to be that afternoon.
It's about 11 o'clock in the afternoon now, and I was having some contractions, but nothing too painful so I didn't think to monitor them. By noon, we decided to go to McDonalds for lunch. Since I was having more contractions, I decided to bring a paper and pen so we could keep track of the contractions just in case. As we recorded the times, it turned out that they were consistently four minutes apart and lasting for at least one minute long, however they weren't painful at all. When we arrived back home, we decided to call the doctor's office and ask them what they wanted us to do. Unfortunately, they were out to lunch, so we ended up calling the hospital and talking to the Labor & Delivery nurses. They said that we needed to come in so they could monitor the contractions themselves.

I was so nervous because, since the contractions weren't painful, I was afraid that they were going to send us home. Once we arrived, they hooked me up to the computer system...and it verified our own recordings: contractions every four minutes lasting for about a minute long. She also checked my cervix and I was still dilated at 5cm. She said...you are definitely staying.

After about an hour she checked my cervix again...6cm...still the contractions were not painful. She suggested we go walk around the hospital to try and speed things along...and possibly break my water. One more hour had passed, she checked my again and I was still dilated to 6cm. After reporting to the doctor, she told us that the doctor suggested that I go home for a couple of hours...but since the nurse thought we were so nice and she knew we didn't want to go home, she went to bat for us and convinced my doctor to let us stay.

Around 6, my doctor arrived to break my water. THAT WAS SUCH A WEIRD FEELING!!! Once my water broke...my contractions came on with a vengeance. I kept asking myself...is this painful enough for an epidural, or is it going to get a lot worse? Is this painful enough for an epidural, or is it going to get a lot worse? Now, don't get me wrong...I definitely wanted an epidural...I just didn't want to get it too early that it would slow down the labor. FINALLY...I had had enough. "I NEED AN EPIDURAL NOW!!" Unfortunately, no one told me that the nurse would have to start an IV and wait for half of a liter of saline to go in before they could start the epidural. I was P.O.'d!!! How come nobody told me this before?!?! On top of that...the anesthesiologist was in the O.R.

As I tried to work through the contractions...I didn't want anyone to talk to me or touch me. I just covered my eyes with one hand and tried to remember to breathe. They were so close together, about 2 minutes, that it provided me with little to no break in between. FINALLY, the anesthesiologist came the rescue. The man got the job done in about five minutes...and I was in HEAVEN!!!! It was amazing, I didn't believe that it could take the pain away...but it was a miracle worker. For the next couple of hours, I just lay in bed and relaxed with the family until it was time to push.

At 9PM, the nurse came in to check my cervix once again. She said, "You are at 10cm and I can feel her head...you are all ready to start pushing!" I was so excited...so nervous and afraid...but mostly I just couldn't wait to meet Emily. My family stepped out of the room, and 45 minutes later...Emily arrived. It was the most amazing moment of my life. They immediately placed her on my chest and I couldn't believe what had just happened. My daughter, my baby girl, was here...and I was holding her. She was so beautiful. I remember looking at Craig and just seeing him glowing with excitement. He got to cut the cord, and then they took Emily to the nurse to get assessed and cleaned up. Even now, as I think back...it just feels like a dream.
Once Emily was all cleaned up, and I was stitched up and decent, we let the family back in to meet their new granddaughter. There wasn't a dry eye in the room.

Still Waiting...Tick Tock Tick Tock

I am about to start charging Emily rent with each passing day. I'm beginning to regret the doctor telling me that she didn't think I would make it past this week. Well, the end of "that week" is past. It is now Sunday, a new week has begun, and I still don't have a little baby to hold in my arms. I just keep telling myself, God isn't finished with her yet.

As I wait, the house is clean, the laundry remains to stay finished, and I have been keeping busy with scrapbooking. At the same time, Craig and I were never really "settled" on a middle name for her. We thought we found one, then decided it just wasn't "perfect"...so we started to look again...found another one we liked...that lasted for less than a day...and the search continued. This continued on for about a week. Well, I am proud to say, we have found the "perfect" middle name. I will share with you all "after" she arrives.

An Encouraging Dr. Appointment

Well, I had a doctor appointment today.

They asked if I wanted my cervix checked for the first time. At first I was going to say no because I was afraid that she would tell me I haven't dilated yet...then I decided to go for it. I wanted to know what I was dealing with...
The doctor did her thing and announced the following...I am three centimeters dilated and 60% effaced. Her guess is that Emily will be arriving before the week is over. I SO HOPE SHE IS RIGHT!!!