"THE VISIT"

After calling Seattle Reproductive to inquire about a consultation meeting with their doctor...I found out that the appointment would cost $350 and that doesn't include any lab work. I really wasn't that surprised though...I knew my insurance didn't cover anything, but I guess I had a small amount of hope that maybe...I don't know...I guess I have a short memory because nothing was covered before, why would I think that it would be covered now?

So, I thought, maybe I could save some money...if I'm going to have to get labs taken, why not get them with my regular gynecologist so that my insurance would cover the cost? To my advantage, the office had an opening on my day off recently, so I was able to see one of my favorite mid-wives. After giving her the update of the past five years and sharing with her my new fears of having an irregular cycle and inquiring about PCOS...she was able to calm me down. She began by saying I clearly don't have PCOS and as for my irregular cycle, she seemed to think that, even though my cycle isn't the most consistent of cycles, she still believes that I am somewhat regular and quite possibly ovulating. She didn't recommend having any labs drawn. She said that it really didn't need to be done since I have already had labs drawn in the past and it really wouldn't change her recommendation of putting my on clomid. Clearly, Craig and I were able to get pregnant, so something worked out the way it should have.

I questioned her recommendation of using clomid. My fear was that, since I was told, in the past, that I don't really ovulate, what good would clomid do for me. I always understood clomid to be able to tell your ovaries to create a bunch of follicles...but if you can't ovulate, nothing would happen to the follicles. When I was at the GYFT, they would actually give me a shot that forced me to ovulate the follicles. My mid-wife corrected my misconception of clomid telling me that clomid is actually an ovulation enforcer. The reason I was given a shot at the GYFT was so that they could control as much of my cycle as possible. By controlling ovulation they would know the exact day to perform each of the inseminations...makes sense to me now!!

So, what's the conclusion? After talking to Craig, we agreed to hold off on the the consultation with SRM. It just doesn't make sense since I don't want to do anymore "big" procedures. We decided to move forward with clomid through my regular gynocologist's office. It would be completely covered by insurance under "irregular cycles" since clomid is used to regulate cycles. So, there you have it. Bring on the hormones...this should be interesting. Looking back at my journal, the only thing I wrote was that clomid gave me crazy headaches...hopefully that was the worst of it.

One of Many "Talks"

Since my sort-of "break down"...Craig and I agreed to come up with a day and time where we could sit down and discuss our "options". I know most of my "break down" is due to some heightened emotions, but I still think that it also brought to light some concerns/issues that were being ignored or suppressed.
Once we were able to find some time, it was interesting what came up. Right away, Craig brought up adoption and how he was ready to get the process started. On a side note: A couple of weeks prior to this Craig was on a business trip to Virginia. During his time there, he met with his boss for his review. She shared with him about their adoption process and how they have a close relationship with the birth-mother and how wonderful the entire experience was/is. It really impressed Craig.

Me, on the other hand, came to the conversation with the desire to go back to the fertility clinic. I feel a little torn with this desire. I feel like...after all I have been through...it almost feels like I am not "trusting" that I will get the same miracle again!! That is my fear in sharing this with others around me. What are they going to say? Are they going to tell me to "relax" again? Are they going to tell me to just give it more time? But then...why do I care what they have to say? In these situations anyone can say, "I don't care what they think", but it so matters. It matters because I, unfortunately, put weight on what others say and think. I ponder it...and I let it get to me. So...back to "the conversation".

In wanting to go back to the clinic...what I mean is that I want to try out the new clinic that moved into town: Seattle Reproductive Clinic. I looked into them before, but I didn't want to have to travel to Seattle for each and every procedure...so they were eliminated. Well, now they have a satellite office in Tacoma now. I told Craig that I was just interested in having a consultation meeting with a doctor to see what they thought of our past procedures and diagnoses. I absolutely DO NOT want to have major procedures done, but I am curious about whether or not the doctor would recommend any pill/hormones that could balance me out in hopes of allowing my body to do what it needs to do for a pregnancy.

So, at the end of our conversation, the verdict is as follows:
We will continue to try on our own for three more months. During that time, we will meet and have a consultation with Seattle Reproductive Medicine (SRM) just to see what they recommend. After three months, Craig and I will regroup and figure out what's next.

Flash Back...This Looks Familiar

Well, today I felt like crap for most of the day. Let me back up and explain...at least what I believe to be the cause of my crappy feeling:

Last night was the meeting for our infertility support group. Only three of us were able to show up, which always makes for an interesting discussion night. I feel like, the smaller the group, the deeper the conversation because less people get more time to talk and share.

So, anyways, one of the girls asked me if I was diagnosed, by my previous doctor, with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). I had never heard that term used to describe my cause of infertility...but she insisted that, from the symptoms I described to the group (irregular cycles and lack of ovulation), that she was sure that I had PCOS. I wasn't really bothered by the insistence...though I thought, but it got me to think..."Do I have PCOS?" "Is that why I'm not pregnant now?" "Is that keeping me from getting pregnant this second time around...because I was so sure that the second pregnancy would be quick and easy." "Did the doctors misdiagnose me?" The questions just kept running around in my head.

Later on, towards the end of the meeting, the other girl had asked me about our plans for having more children. This provided me the perfect opportunity to share that Craig and I had actually been trying for over a year now for baby #2. (I was always so afraid to bring that up because I didn't want to be "that" person in the infertility group who already had a baby and was greedy for another one...when the other girls in the group were desiring just one). I shared with them that Craig and I decided that once we were given the A.O.K. to start trying again, that we would do exactly that. I brought up how so many statistics say that once your body has a baby, it is able to figure out how it is intended to function and the second time around isn't as difficult...but I am finding that to not really apply to me. I shared how I was so excited because I thought my cycles were finally "regular" at 38 days...until the nurse told me that a 38 day cycle pretty much means no ovulation.

So...put those two things together: being able to be open about being back in the saddle with "trying" for baby #2 for over a year with no luck...and then having someone tell you that they are sure you have PCOS...for the first time since Emily...I began to feel infertile again.

As a result, I felt like CRAP all day today. I felt like at any moment I could just let the flood gates open. I felt like "WOE is me"...and I so hated feeling like that!!!! I have such a wonderful daughter...who by the way, as I was telling Craig how I was feeling...and crying on his shoulder, Emily came over to me and gave me hug and hug after hug because her mommy was crying. I DO NOT want to fall back into depression, and I know that I am just letting lies fill my head: battlefield of the mind!!!!

So, I find myself at a crossroad. Do I continue to try for baby #2 knowing that God has done a miracle with Emily and is more than capable to perform another miracle in me? Or do I seek out medical help (which I don't believe is "giving up" on God!!!) with SRM (who, by the way, has just so happened to open up a new office in Tacoma!!!) Part of me is SO CURIOUS as to what they would recommend!!! I am not looking to do any "procedures" any time soon!!! NO WAY JOSE!!! I am just wondering if they would recommend some hormone pills or something extremely basic!
There you have it!! Here we go again!